We don’t talk about it enough.
How hard it is leaving things behind.
The real struggles that come from letting go of things we once made the centre of our very existence. Things we kept on a pedestal.
And I can’t over-stress how strong I consider myself to be when I finally let go of something or someone. Maybe it’s because I know that I stumbled several times before finally getting to that stage of finally letting go.
I was going to talk about people. Certain people whose current absence in my life by virtue of my letting go of them in my mind and my heart, has made my life so much easier. But then, I thought about something general yet specific. Something a lot of us struggle with as women, and something that brings me so much happiness and pride now that I’ve finally let it go.
De-centering Men.
I remember growing up. How important it was for me to have validation from guys. And it was weird because my parents drummed into my sisters and I early on about the dangers of, you know, being all around men, and how they were providing everything we needed, every food we wanted, so that a man wouldn’t use basic necessities to lure us into situations we wouldn’t be proud of in the end.
But at the end of the day, they are still African parents, and with parents from that generation, there’s only so much they’ll tell you. You’ve got to figure out most on your own. And I did, which is why I feel like I am in good authority to share my personal experience.
I remember the things I’d do to seem cooler. The things I’d say, so that I would hear, “Oh, Tessa is different from other girls.” “Tessa is more sensible than the other girls.” “Tessa is the cool one.” This was in my early teenage years, and then I’d bask in the euphoria of being “approved” and “validated” by the “cooler species,” as they were in my books at the time.
It took experiences, some personal, and a lot more with my friends and loved ones. People who walked the path of making men the focal point of their lives, and how that singular act, which is not so singular, because it has diverse layers, practically destroy their lives. Because the way they viewed themselves, the things they did to their bodies, their self-esteem and self-love all suffered.
It was a long walk through this, but I eventually got there. And I won’t lie, I’m still tested at different points, to succumb to being the “cool woman,” “the different woman,” “the man-approved woman,” and with each passed test, I’ve gotten a lot stronger. A lot more confident, and a lot firmer in my belief that de-centering men and seeing them as humans just like you, regular people you can talk to, say no to, be yourself to, without losing hold of your dignity, or your peace of mind, is the best way to go.
My life has gotten so much easier because I learnt to do this for me. If I want to do or not do a certain thing, it’s because that’s what I desire, and not because society or men expect this of me. I’m also not hard on anyone who is still on their own journey to self discovery. Who is trying to figure out if they’d be sad or lonely or incomplete because men aren’t the focal points of their existence. The grass really is greener on this side. When you’re not looking at yourself or men with rose-tinted glasses, you see things so much better. More than that, you see you, and love you, so much better.
A narrative on things I left behind? I left behind de-centering men, and seeing them as regular people instead, and I’m beyond glad for it.
Image is mine.
