Everything is a choice

Ok going to get REAL for a minute

On August 24, 2012, I lost my only son Michael Laroche due to my body failing him. I wish I could say it gets easier. It doesn't. It just gets different. The shock, trauma, and disbelief slowly and inevitable turn to the hard and unforgiving fact of permanence. Four years later and I'm still hoping it was some mistake. That he'll just be here when I wake up from what is the worst nightmare one could ever experience. I still dream dreams like this. Sleeping, when my brain lets go of reality, my mind still tries to make sense of the senseless. Creates fantastic scenarios where I can hold him again. And some mornings, like this morning, I wake up and the enormity of the loss makes it hard to breath.

And then I try to remember, that today's not yesterday and it's not tomorrow. That five years ago, I made a choice about living. Grief and loss shattered me into a million pieces. But that shattering opened me up to light. To the people that I knew and the people I hadn't met yet, that took the time to help me start to put those million shattered pieces back together. And when I let myself feel the overwhelming dark sadness of grief, I allowed myself to feel the overwhelming love from the people I choose to surround myself with. To laugh with. To have fun with. And to cry with. To realize that this loss isn't all that I am. It's changed me, but it's opened me up.

On a day like this, I needed to write this. To remember that I'm capable of feeling joy as well as grief. That today isn't tomorrow. I had a great loss, but it showed me my immense capacity for love. I carried him in me for 9 months as he grew into a person and now I'll carry him in my heart for the rest of my life. He's a part of me. He's been here all along, and always will be.

I feel this need to find the answers sometimes. To everything. But something's can not be learned or even taught. Something's in this world are so wonderful even in such sadness that words could never illustrate. These things can only be felt by those meant to feel them.

I am thankful to have today with my daughter Brianna, my amazing boyfriend Ronald Dutton , his son Sammy, and our kick ass pets. I am also thankful to have my memories of easier days but also proud of the things I've had to overcome to get me where I am today.

Regardless of your life and current situations no matter how hard things might be. You choose to be happy or not to be. From someone who knows all to well how short life can be, there is always a choice. I choose happiness.

You should too.
Thanks
Jenafa