Satire from The Borowitz Report
Pence Calls Space Force Necessary to Protect U.S. from Gay Aliens
By Andy BorowitzAugust 9, 2018
Photograph by Andrew Harrer / Bloomberg / Getty
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Making a major announcement at the Pentagon on Thursday, Vice-President Mike Pence said that the proposed United States Space Force was necessary to defend the U.S. from gay aliens.
“I stand before you today to say that this country is under attack from outer-space gays,” Pence told the military gathering. “Only Space Force can protect us from their unimaginable evil.”
Pence detailed a nightmare scenario in which “gay aliens by the thousands” land in the U.S. in “seemingly cute spacecraft” and “subvert life in America as we know it.”
“Let’s say, for example, that these gay aliens can assume human form,” he said. “What’s to stop them from infiltrating normal bakeries and baking cakes for gay weddings?”
“I’ll tell you what’s to stop them,” he said, pausing for dramatic effect. “Space Force.”
At the White House, CNN’s Jim Acosta asked the press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, how, exactly, Pence had developed his theory about the existence of gay aliens.
“No one is more qualified to talk about life on other planets than Mike Pence,” Sanders snapped.
Andy Borowitz is the New York Times best-selling author of “The 50 Funniest American Writers,” and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes the Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news, for newyorker.com.Read more »