Walking in my Moms Shoes...

Today we were supposed to have a meeting with the hospice doctors to discuss my mom. They cancelled the meeting this morning because the feel that the need to discuss a discharge is no longer necessary. In short, what they are saying – is that it is unlikely she will make it to the end of her two week stay there, which ends Monday coming. Despite the fact that we have all visited every day since she went there and the reality of what is approaching has been lurking in the background like a bad smell that nobody wants to acknowledge… seeing her yesterday and the massive deterioration within such a short space of time, I think we were all suddenly faced with the blunt reality with which we have been afforded the time to “prepare” ourselves for. I say prepare, but really… how do you EVER prepare for the loss of a parent?! Simple – you don’t.

Over the past while, I have tried to keep myself busy with mandatory daily activity. Get up, do the laundry, clean the kitchen, tidy up the scatterings of the day prior… pretty much anything I can do on auto-pilot. Today was different though. I almost felt like I stepped into my mother’s shoes. I found myself taking more attentive time for things that I would normally “brush off”. I spent a long time in the garden, weeding, pruning, cleaning and re-arranging. There was a very present patience held whilst doing it all – one which I have never really exercised before, I simply felt no rush… no urgency – I just got lost in the pleasure of it. As my mother has always told me – you really are “closer to God in a garden than anywhere else on earth.”

I noticed increased patience with my son - The kind of patience that only a grandparent offers. Moments that I may have given short response to previously, I found myself stopping the clock and my urgency to depart his lengthy stories and rather listening in awe of how much magnificence and excitement he expressed, not only for the news he was sharing – but also for the fact that I was the person that he chose to share that with. How very blessed I am.

I know what is coming, we all do. None of us want to accept it – but acceptance is all we are left with, and I know that my mom would be the first person to tell us to “pull up our socks and get on with it”. There is nothing that can fill the void I will forever feel in my life once my mom is gone, but I am grateful that we were both blessed with the most amazing “mother-daughter” relationship. Despite the many brutal traumas my mom experienced as a little girl, she never allowed life to kill her love and gentle spirit… My mom always has always told me that she admired my strength of character, and I – have always admired her grace. I will hold those attributes close to my heart always and forever endeavour to embrace such qualities myself.

My hands are dirtied with soil from today’s activities in the garden, but I am filled with so much warmth knowing that if I could share what I did today with my mom, it would make her heart so very happy… I loved every second of it and I love even more how it unfolded in slow motion and with such patient intent… almost as if I was walking in my moms shoes.

She was a 'wanderess.' Thus, she didn’t care about money, only experiences - whether they came from wealth or from poverty, it was all the same to her.”― Roman Payne