Onward...

So there it is, the sun has set and despite my lack of enthusiasm for anything which this day had to offer initially – I am still here, be it barely… that is still more than not at all. I spent some time outside in the garden tending to the rooted cuttings I planted a little while ago, played with the dog… I swear, we have the Jack Russell version of Jock of the Bushveld - I cooked dinner and yes, there was mashed potato – because there is absolutely nothing like mashed potato to comfort a heavy heart.

I have literally spent the entire day still and thinking – probably a lot more than I should have, but sometimes this is a necessary thing. Had I been all alone, I probably never would have left the bed… but I am blessed to have two people around me who love, care and need me and that gave me reason to pull my shit together, get up and do something to get out of my own head – and yes, it was the best thing I could have done really, but let’s be honest… we all need a moment sometimes to “wallow”. It is an internal journey, a state of processing, realisation and acceptance. If we don’t afford ourselves such moments, we more often than not move forward with anger, resentment or bitterness at the steering wheel and this seldom yields good results.

Music, as you know well follows me everywhere, I listen and love pretty much every genre but today I needed peace… I craved calm as well as comfort and so… it has been nothing but country all day. I am a naturally anxious individual, so when I am emotionally stressed – I literally struggle to breathe – “gasp” for that deep breathe of satisfaction. It is a horrid battle, a vicious circle and one which spirals really quickly, mostly leaveing me in a less than comfortable position. Music, I have found is one of the most effective methods of countering it and today… my country music playlist worked wonders. All the other seemingly mundane activities played their role too.

I reflected a LOT on where I currently find myself, my actions, decisions taken, things which have happened within family as well and I came to the conclusion that I have one life – ONE! I am very much imperfect, but that does not make me any less worthy of being completely happy , feeling loved and appreciated and simply being able to sit back, smile and say at the end of it all… that I was blessed, I was loved, I loved in return and I made the most of it all! I want to make the most of it all… but I also realised through this contemplation that I am no longer willing to sacrifice myself to any unhealthy level – something I have had a really bad habit of doing in the last 40 years. I sincerely hope this is the last time I am plated this life lesson because it really is the most bitter pill to swallow. Best I learn it then I guess.

This week I plan to take a drive back to Cape Town and collect whatever I can possibly pack into my car. I will also need to pack the rest of the stuff into boxes and make arrangements to have it brought up here to country bumpkin land. It is a day I am not looking forward to, it is also not unfolding quite as originally intended – so it will be JUST my stuff coming up… my moments of contemplation today involved thoughts of this, my reluctance to face it and everything it involves - but also the acceptance that procrastination is never anybody’s friend… especially when it comes to emotional matters, so I need to get it done as soon as I possibly can – hard as it may be… It is the only way I will be able to feel at ease, put that facet behind me and focus completely on moving forward – close the book, turn the page, start a new chapter – whatever floats your boat. Until it is done, it will continue to loom over my head like an axe just waiting in anticipation to cut me down even closer to the root!

Damn man, life is brutal. Beautiful too, but shit! I am normally the person who puts wind under the wings of others, but I have realised that this does not mean that those same people will return the favour – I know this… wish it was different, but it is not. I have literally had four people holding me up through this all… my dad, my son and two incredible individuals from Hive. It has been hard... it still is… but this too shall pass.

“You are one thing only. You are a Divine Being. An all-powerful Creator. You are a Deity in jeans and a t-shirt, and within you dwells the infinite wisdom of the ages and the sacred creative force of All that is, will be and ever was.” ― Anthon St. Maarten