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Lately I have been feeling numb. I NEVER feel numb.

The last time I felt numb was when I was a teenager.

But here I am, numb.

There have been times in my life
that I wanted nothing more than to feel numb,
but now is not one of them.

All I want is to feel something.

Anything.

“In response to threat and injury, animals, including humans, execute biologically based, non-conscious action patterns that prepare them to meet the threat and defend themselves. The very structure of trauma, including activation, dissociation and freezing are based on the evolution of survival behaviors. When threatened or injured, all animals draw from a "library" of possible responses. We orient, dodge, duck, stiffen, brace, retract, fight, flee, freeze, collapse, etc. All of these coordinated responses are somatically based- they are things that the body does to protect and defend itself. It is when these orienting and defending responses are overwhelmed that we see trauma.

The bodies of traumatized people portray "snapshots" of their unsuccessful attempts to defend themselves in the face of threat and injury. Trauma is a highly activated incomplete biological response to threat, frozen in time. For example, when we prepare to fight or to flee, muscles throughout our entire body are tensed in specific patterns of high energy readiness. When we are unable to complete the appropriate actions, we fail to discharge the tremendous energy generated by our survival preparations. This energy becomes fixed in specific patterns of neuromuscular readiness. The person then stays in a state of acute and then chronic arousal and dysfunction in the central nervous system. Traumatized people are not suffering from a disease in the normal sense of the word- they have become stuck in an aroused state. It is difficult if not impossible to function normally under these circumstances.”― Peter A. Levine

Food for thought isn’t it.

I love quotes. You all know this.
Well, if you know me – you know this.
I have forever “kicked off” my posts,
days, twitter, instagram…
you name it – with something inspirational,
but even those are coming at a stretch of late.

Mustering anything much at all is pushing boundaries…
And those boundaries are retracting.

“You are not allowed to fall apart” –
words uttered to me earlier today…
and trust me,
there is not a woman alive that doesn’t fucking know it!
Say whatever the fuck you want –
we are the backbone of the home.

I do have to ask… When do we get to cry?

Never! – Yes, we know.

Middle names? – I have plenty!

Perseverance, Resilience, Strength, Composure, Courage…

…and yes! I will stand here and announce such!

I am not even editing my fucks into fncks anymore, so you know shit just got real!

Everything is getting very real.

Speaking of real…

Anyone else had really vivid dreams of late?

The other night I was some kind of house with many people, family included – I was desperately seeking an available toilet. I couldn’t find one and suddenly it started to hail and I woke up desperate for the loo.

This is not the kind of dream that I am referring to lol
– but nonetheless our minds are pretty damn amazing aren’t they?!

What I am referring to is this kind of dream…

Last night, I dreamt that I was standing on a mountainous hill.
I sat down and placed my head into my knees.
Suddenly,
I watched from a different perspective
as my soul appeared to leave my body.

I can recall the sadness I felt in that moment as I witnessed it all.

I suppose then,
I shouldn’t really be surprised that I woke up feeling the way I did….

“Dreams tell us many an unpleasant biological truth about ourselves and only very free minds can thrive on such a diet. Self-deception is a plant which withers fast in the pellucid atmosphere of dream investigation.”― Sigmund Freud

If you have read this far, let me just say now that there will be no punch line… and no kind of clarity guaranteed from this post, I am simply here to express and offload. I may be out of the loop, but last time I checked, that was what a blog was SUPPOSED to be all about! I am not here to promote bitcoin or any kind of shitcoin with my tits, nor am I here to try and impress.

…Wonder how all the “social influencers” of the world are doing right about now?!

… No, I don’t. Fuck them!

They are a big part of what is wrong with this world!

I like colourful people!!!
Truly colourful people!
REAL PEOPLE!

“Beauty is not who you are on the outside, it is the wisdom and time you gave away to save another struggling soul like you.”― Shannon L. Alder

So how is your lockdown treating you?

We are in in day 43 here.

My mom is with us.

As she has previously posted, she has breast cancer.
Her meds have not been doing her any “REAL” favours.

I have never seen my mother more miserable in my life.
She has now decided that she would rather have a better quality of life without them, so has opted to move to CBD treatment.

I could literally feel the relief - And could almost touch the excitement (if she had the energy to express any)…

And on that note, if you or anyone you know has any knowledge or experience regarding CBD treatment for breast cancer – dietary tips, whatever… please do share!

Having breast cancer is massive amounts of no fun. First they mutilate you; then they poison you; then they burn you. I have been on blind dates better than that. - Molly Ivins

I found some energy to write some…
but after that little bit,
I sit here now - feeling depleted.
I have nothing more to offer.
I can hear the spirit inside me screaming to say something
but I simply don’t have the energy to relay it.

I hope you understand.

“The challenge lies in knowing how to bring this sort of day to a close. His mind has been wound to a pitch of concentration by the interactions of the office. Now there are only silence and the flashing of the unset clock on the microwave. He feels as if he had been playing a computer game which remorselessly tested his reflexes, only to have its plug suddenly pulled from the wall. He is impatient and restless, but simultaneously exhausted and fragile. He is in no state to engage with anything significant. It is of course impossible to read, for a sincere book would demand not only time, but also a clear emotional lawn around the text in which associations and anxieties could emerge and be disentangled. He will perhaps only ever do one thing well in his life.

For this particular combination of tiredness and nervous energy, the sole workable solution is wine. Office civilisation could not be feasible without the hard take-offs and landings effected by coffee and alcohol.”― Alain de Botton

Tomorrow I will find myself… my spirit, my passion and conviction.