My SOLACE and THANK YOU!

They say some days start with a bang, well mine didn’t – but it did start with a fire, as my electric blanket attempted to set me on fire while I slept. I don’t think I have ever jumped out of my bed so quickly lol… a rude awakening of note! And pretty much all I have to say about that is that I was incredibly grateful for the fact that I sleep with my hair tied up, because if I didn’t, I would be sporting a Sinéad O’connor look right now – although, admittedly it would not have been the first time it has been on the cards during this lockdown – isolation gives a person some crazy ideas as many of us have discovered.

Since my mom returned home from the EC at the hospital earlier this week, we have had some positive moments where I clutched relentlessly to her passing smiles and mild humour, but this morning she took a turn for the worse again – overwhelmed by the nausea and weakness. In all honesty, I had to take a moment to pack away the complete helplessness I felt as I stood there hearing the answer to my now regular question of “how are you feeling today?” I honestly didn’t know what to do… other than what I have already been doing. I am not a nurse and the times we currently live in don’t exactly afford the most accommodating circumstance. As it is, the other night when I told my mom that we would be taking her to the hospital – even in her delirious state she burst into tears and pleaded “no”. None of us want to have to do that again because we know we will be completely separated from her, compliments of covid.

In amongst all the chaos this week we had managed to find an “old school” doctor (compliments of one of my brothers) and he was scheduled to come see my mom tomorrow, but we managed to get him here today and I am so very glad we did! Between my three brothers and myself, none of us are experts and we can discuss possibilities and variables to no end – but that is about as far as we can take it. For multiple reasons, I had suspected that in addition to the initial UTI issue my mom experienced alongside the acute dehydration because of it… she was displaying signs of constipation. It is easy to get wrapped up in “the worst diagnosis” and I have done a few rounds of that too – but because I have personally experienced acute constipation myself, it was ringing very true in my mind… either that, or I had an angel on my shoulder trying to get my attention. No matter, the doctor confirmed it. Two seconds of feeling and pressing her abdomen and he was able to say – she does not need any tests or examinations… she is severely constipated.

What a fncking relief! (No pun intended). I am not down playing the agony which my mom has been through in the last week – not in ANY way. I have never seen my mom so weak, but to finally have some actual clarity… well, it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off ALL of our shoulders and yes, we now know that all of these issues are a part of the cancer itself and have made a significant mark of remembrance for what we will need to manage moving forward. Gawd… I have never felt so clueless and helpless in all my life… but I am learning – we all are.

I don’t pray – not in the traditional sense, but tonight I am praying that tomorrow my mother gets some relief from the agony she has been in for a month now. It is so hard to see her like this and I hate how despite how horrid she feels, she keeps apologising and telling me that she is trying. I hate that my little boy is seeing his granny like this, because she is his idol… he may love his mommy, but his granny is his beacon of light and he is trying so very hard to be strong, but I can see it is taking it’s toll on his heart… and he is such a sensitive soul.

When the going gets tough, put one foot in front of the other and just keep going. Don’t give up.” ― Roy T. Bennett

Tomorrow will be better.

I have also somewhat derailed from the initial intent of this post, but I suppose the expression probably did me a little good… thanks for reading this far.

The reason I wanted to write this post was to explain a little something… I may not be able to respond to all of you or even come close to the levels of engagement that were common practice for me for the last few years… but I need to send a message loud and clear… writing here, drawing – whatever I share – this is my place of solace. I read EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of the comments that is left in response to the fragments of my life which I share! So, I just wanted to say THANK YOU – and please don’t stop, because I need ALL of you! Now more than ever!

I am doing my best to find gaps to express my love and appreciation for all of you, but it is really not very easy right now, so if you get a simple “tip” from me on a post – please understand that I am not being flippant, nor am I just slapping it there for the sake of doing so… what it means is that I have read and appreciated what you have shared, as you have expressed toward me, but I simply do not have the time nor the emotional and/or mental capacity to formulate worthy response in words…. I put every ounce of available moment I have now into creating whatever kind of post I feel I can manage on any given day because I know that even when I don’t feel like doing it, I always feel better afterward… it is my therapy and it gives me the strength to power on. Perhaps this won’t make sense to some. I accept that, but I can only do what I can do and priorities have been acutely rearranged of late.

Anyway… I think I have waffled enough, so – to summarise, a very BIG THANK YOU to all of you that continue to show your love on my posts. You are appreciated more than you realise.