Meandering through Monday....

Little by little we wade our way through the process of “processing”. Spent some time with family this last weekend and we had some much needed and healthy conversation as siblings – about our mom, our lives and all kinds of things. A LOT of our personal inner thoughts, perceptions and perspectives were laid on the table and it was good! Good for ALL of us! Naturally, there has been a lot going on in all our hearts and heads over the last two months – goodness, I actually cannot believe that it has been two months since our mom passed already. I keep waiting for the day when that absolute ACHE in my heart is gone, but sadly… unlike the heartbreak I experienced having gone through a much needed divorce… my mom was NOT somebody that I “wanted” gone from my life – ever, so I guess that ache will never really leave. I suppose in some ways, I don’t want it to leave because then it would mean I had begun to forget.

Over and above a whole lot of conversation shared – I also had to take all the rest of my mom’s stuff home. The brother we were visiting is emigrating in a few months so it made sense to take it all whilst we were there. It is so hard to keep re-living the reality of my mom being gone. After we had finished packing the last of her stuff into our car, my brother came walking into the lounge with the quilt that my mom had made for me and I grew up sleeping under. As wonderful a day as it was with family… that was without question the highlight for me!!!! Just days before, I had a conversation with @jerrytsuseer about it and had mentioned how sad I was that I had NO idea where it went to! If there was one keepsake from my childhood that I wanted – it was that! Literally as we were about to walk out the door, my boet walked in with it in his hands! OMG I cannot TELL you what a moment that was for me!!!!! I was SO overwhelmed with emotion - just utterly ecstatic!!!!

...my middle brother Ty who had the quilt.

... my eldest brother Brett in the UK

I seldom got into my mom’s car because anything we did together I would drive so I was completely oblivious to the fact that it had been in her boot for YEARS! That blanket holds SO many memories for me and it was truly special to get it back!

I didn’t get to any of the sorting on Sunday – instead we decided to get out of the house and act like normal people for the first time in I don’t know how long! We took a drive down to the beach in Hout Bay – had some brunch spoils (which we can ill afford) and then went for a long walk on the beach - but FUCK it! We have literally been staring at WALLS for five months!

Today I got stuck into the house cleaning as well as the sorting of my mom’s stuff. This “meandering through Monday” seems to be becoming a regular of late. Going through her things is not something I want to rush ANY part of, because I would never forgive myself if I threw away something precious accidentally. In many ways, going through “this round” of things was a lot harder for me because it was all of the things she took with her when she initially went to stay with my brother at the beginning of lockdown… so it was stuff that was clearly more important to her and more recently used. Lots of clothes, jewelry and more of her art stuff – as well as a few spices lol, and needless to say… several packets of seeds for planting.

I now have so MANY of my moms paintings floating around the house – many were hung years ago, but now there are so many more to find homes for and then there are still those on show, which will all hopefully be sold to people who love and appreciate her work. I have mentioned before that my mom had a “thing” for sheep… so she did many paintings with this subject. She sold countless of them and I have three of them – the latest addition being one she called “Charlottes Moon” - so today we hung that up in “her room”. I had the idea of turning that “spare room” into the “sheep room” haha… hanging her baa baa’s in there and decorating it accordingly… so today Charlotte got her spot. In addition to that, I had long since wanted a piece from my mom to mount above my bed. I nabbed one of her Venice pieces for that… and hung that today too!

Going through yet another tin of her jewelry, I could not help but giggle – on the weekend, I sat with my sisters and laughed about how many “single” earrings I found. My mom was KNOWN for losing one of two earrings. I have not actually gone through this bunch – but no doubt a few of the “missing pairs” will be found there when I do…

I am never surprised at how organised my mom was, despite how little she held materially – every SINGLE facet of her affairs was in order. Two files came back with me this weekend which pretty much encompassed the entirety of my mom in terms of “small print” – ie. the boring stuff…. I have yet to go through them completely… but the one thing that did catch my attention today as I glanced through the sleeves was a letter of reference written for her after her last place of employ closed it’s doors. Sadly, my mom never pursued any further “career” after that in “mainstream”. She LOVED that job SO MUCH – I know how happy she was there, I remember clearly. I think it broke her spirit that they shut down and perhaps she simply didn’t have the energy to start all over again. She worked so very hard to be as successful as she was in that specific position. I suppose I may have felt much the same way.

One little suitcase that I can remember from as young as 5 – and ALL the important papers were in there! I recall “begging” my mom to let me have that little suitcase when I was younger, lol. I never did get it… but I have it now. Would much rather have my mom back.

FUCK I miss her SO much!!!!!!!!! But I value the days like today. Stepping into her shoes, her space and remembering just what an absolutely magnificent woman and mother she was. No, she was not perfect - none of us are... but she was my mom and in my eyes, she was perfect for the simple reason that she loved me (and all of us) unconditionally as any good mother should and would.

It was good meandering through this Monday...