Keeping ME Alive....

Been a while since I went walking in the morning – today was the first time in about ten days and it was very much needed. Yesterday in totality pretty much resembled being sea sick on a boat in a storm, nauseated by each and every swell and dip of the ocean, and at moments it truly felt like the ride would never end. It did! I fell asleep, eventually... and if I am honest – there was a part of me that simply wished I would just fade away into nothing as I slept… not a reality I know – here I am.

I woke up this morning, rolled over to look at the porcelain outline of my son facing me and realised that the presence I was feeling “heartache” over would not have even wanted that little slice of perfection to be lying there for the simple reason that it would be disturbing his own rest… I stretched my arm over his torso and embraced the fact that he no longer had to feel unwanted and that I no longer have to put him second to someone who never loved him in the first place. He stirred, stretched his arms toward me and said “morning mommy – are you going on your walk today?!” Yes, I was and yes I did.

Unlike yesterday, today I rose with a sense of calm – perhaps the irrational and demonstrative outburst of emotional frustration coupled with the raw expression of it all in written word helped me to understand and process it to a degree, maybe it was staring at the ceiling all day doing nothing other than allow my thoughts and emotions fly around like something at a carnival or perhaps it was a culmination of all of the above and the fact that I suddenly realised in summation that at the end of the day ”when the end came and it counted more than ever, he STILL did nothing to save it”. I mean let’s be honest here, if someone really cares about another – really loves them… would they let them go without even a little bit of fight - unlikely.

The realisation of an almost decade long lie is a bitter pill to swallow, but the reality is – the signs were there ALL ALONG – I just chose to turn the other cheek most of the time because it was easier than what I am ultimately left to deal with now anyway!!!!!!. (note to self-moment…lol) Does it hurt – obviously!!!! There is a lot of time and energy ploughed into a decade. Am I sorry I stand where I do? Not in the least… because yet again, life has given me a big fat slap through the face and said “wtf woman!”

So off I headed on my walk. I was grateful for the fact that it was an overcast and somewhat misty morning… those are my favourite by far – especially for walking… it slightly mirrored my contemplative mood too. I walk at relatively fast pace, and probably a little faster today because I was not in conversation. Admittedly, that felt a little strange, but it was actually good to just walk with music and my own thoughts.

Life and it’s bold, yet subtle statements never cease to fascinate me and this morning was no exception! I use Deezer as a music app and most times, will put the “flow” option on. This is essentially a compilation of music selections from your own playlists, combined with additional tracks which “Deezer’s algorithm” thinks you may like… and today, technology was the shizz nizz, haha! Sure, not every single lyric from every single song fits… but the general outline “works as a whole” – and today it REALLY did work well! Normally I like the music to fit the pace of my step but today I didn’t care… I was more interested in letting what wanted to play – PLAY! I just wanted to BE!

I did my normal round - and about half way through, this entails heading down to the lagoon and simply taking a few moments there to appreciate the magnificence. I have shared pics from that spot before and it has waves unlike the ocean but this morning it was pure glass… not a single motion or movement. This does not happen often and it was a beautiful sight to witness! It reflected the calm I felt for the decision made.

Life is a curious thing... you can be sure about a decision and yet doubt yourself simultaneously to such a degree that it will actually change the course of event. I have been through this several times now in this particular "situation" - this time was the end of the line. NO MORE! I deserve more, my heart knows I do... now, I just need to silence my mind!