Dear mama.... MY BEST FRIEND!!!!!

There is no easy way in which to kick this post off the ground, because my entire world feels void of light at this point in time. I feel like a child staring at a pile of Autumn leaves and simply no inspiration to kick them about. As I sit here writing this to all of you, my mom’s last chapter is approaching its end. I have been overwhelmed with love and messages from so many of you (which I will get to mentioning in just a bit) but there really is nothing… NOTHING at all that can fill the inevitable emptiness which has already arrived and the looming reality of more of is approaching.

I am losing my best friend. I am ill prepared for this. She was supposed to be invincible. Forever present. Every single time I have gone to see her this week, the harshness of this reality has knocked me down like a tidal wave, sucker punched me in the gut and ripped my heart from my chest. I know her mind is there as she squeezes my hand and opens her eyes widely in response to certain words spoken… but our times together are gone. No more Thursday dinners, giggles over wine, sharing recipes, gardening fun and “grannies love” for my little man.

I do not know how to navigate this ship anymore. I truly do feel lost at sea.

Yesterday – Thursday, was OUR day… as many of you already know. Every Thursday my mom and I alternated dinners. We would catch up with what had happened in our week, cook together, listen to all our favourite tunes and drink too much wine! It was the one day of the week that we both REALLY looked forward to! So yesterday I walked into the hospice with two plastic wine glasses, a bottle of alcohol free champagne and the intention of celebrating our Thursday at least one more time. “Mom, do you know what day it is?” I asked. – “What day is it?” she mustered her response. “It is THURSDAY mom… OUR DAY!!! And we are going to celebrate it together” I told her as I showed her the champagne bottle and glasses. “Is it allowed?!” she managed to bellow… to which I responded, “yes mom… I got permission, and it is just grape juice.” I poured our glasses and placed hers in her grasp as I held it steady. We said cheers and even in her weakness she attempted to take a sip, but I explained that she needn’t…. it was simply for the “thought” of it.

I don’t think there is anything in life that can prepare you for the loss of a parent. We are four siblings and as much we are here to support one another throughout this process, we ALL have our own road of processing to travel. It was such an unexpected snowstorm… truth be told, we are all still trying to find our feet.

Some of you may have crossed paths with my mom @lizziesworld – and if there was one thing in this world that she wished for ALL… it was love, peace and happiness. She always told me “my darling, as my daughter – it is going to be up to you to keep this family together”. I am learning that all the important stuff that truly matters is left to us girls.

It is for that reason that I am sitting here now, writing this. My mother, Elizabeth Anne – taught me, through her own actions, that no matter WHAT is burdening you… no matter what knocks you down to your knees, you stand up – dust those knees off and get on with life – with LOVE!!!!!!! Never in my life, have I met a person overflowing with so much humility. Small in stature, but GREAT in spirit!

I know that if my mom could speak to me right now, she would be telling me to “get on with it” and as much as I don’t want to, as much as it fucking pains me to even THINK of existing happily without her, I am going to do my UTMOST to do it… because I know it is what she wants, not only “for me – but for ALL of us that she held close to her heart.

So here I am – writing to you. Letting you all know, that I intend to get back on this fucking horse, despite the fact that “disappearing into nothingness” seems a lot easier at this point.

I may need your help though.

Speaking of which, I would like to just say thank you to those of you that have reached out to me. I would make a tag list, but I am bound to forget many important gestures from amazing people… but Despite my lack of response, I want you ALL to know that I feel so very blessed to have people like you in my life!

In my own time, I endeavour to get PHC back to what it was, and to find my own feet in this place once again. Starting with my “track of the week” – which will go out today, be it late. Better late than never….

and speaking of which... a song in the spirit of my moms entire life sentiment... RISE UP!