The Bloom
"Risking the comfort of caged sanity for a taste of unknown freedom... that's when I found her, the wild one within me." --Jacquelyne
You have to get close to see them, the tiny yellow blooms. This time of year is tourist season in Borrego Springs. It's April, and supposedly the best time of year to camp in the desert. I drove into town for water and firewood, then set out for a quiet camp site. And yes, someone was with me.
As I drove up the hill overlooking town, I asked my passenger to get out the map and look for an ideal stakeout. But, since I tend to neglect the genius in others, I found myself pulling over and choosing one myself. That's something I've been working on. The truth is, I don't trust people. People have minds, and minds are deep wells of hidden agendas. Half the time I think most people are not even aware of themselves, so why trust them to be aware of what's important to me? Anyway, I'm sure I'll be fine.
Camp is set up and a fire is burning when I get back from my mountain walk. We pull out guitars and attempt to harmonize in a freestyle poetry rap. I was pretty good. I made sure to keep quiet long enough between stanzas so that he could chime in. The mind spewed fearlessly, unabashed, not concerned about the outcome of unprocessed subconscious blabber...
I'm a goddess, fear me
Either you can't see
Or you wont
Don't expect me to choke
Sorry I'm not sorry
Your my scapegoat
I eat men like you for lunch
Society please
Stop
I want to love without thought
One day I gave up
It seemed no man was ever enough
Tough love or just tough
So, forgive me I have sinned
This skin is only skin deep
At times I've forgotten to just breathe
I need a break
In the place of partnership
I've paved a uncommitted path
One with happy endings not aftermath
And here I go again
Another fish released back to sea
Probably headed south
Mouth to mouth resuscitation can't save us now
Wow I didn't see that one coming
I never do
It's time to face the music
My freestyle was hype. I dropped the mic... okay, I'll stop rhyming. But, there it was, I wasn't in love. I was fearful, triggered, and stuck in the past. At least I could identify my feelings and have a big girl conversation about where I stood. So, we talked about it and decided to see what it would be like to just have fun and let go of making the weekend about forming a deeper relationship.
We put out the fire, washed our dishes together in silence, and spent the next hour gazing up at the sky of stars. It's safe to say we both fell asleep that night knowing how good it feels to be honest. Communication is everything. Turns out, he was just as confused about his own feelings. Freestyle rap sure brings out the truth, and it's so much more fun than a sit down talk for these kinds of things!
At day break, my inner child wanted to go out and play. Not on trails or tourist traps, but out beyond the paved points of interest. We hiked out to a nearby mountain and found a grove of dead treas where we could play privately.
I painted my face with burnt ash like a warrior, then applied red lipstick and got naked. That's all I really wanted to do. I love connecting with the earth this way. Rolling in the grass, jumping from rock to rock, my bits exposed to sun and wind. It's primal. There should be more land designated for this.
We had moments of connection, but we spent most of our time in our own space. I took a bunch of selfie's and he wandered off on a quest. We took turns reading chapters from Breaking Normal by my good friend Daniel Eisenman over a picnic lunch. It was a wonderful afternoon, there were no expectations.
It's almost comical, how we set out to bond for the weekend and ended up happier with more space between us. Like attracts like.
Did I mention I was a Scorpio?
