I would love to see Mythbusters in Space! You know, where some humans have seen the original old videos of it and decides to do a new mythbuster series based for their era? It'd be cool! -- DaniAndShali
[AN: In light of recent losses, I have debated having a Human Grant in this one and... honestly... I didn't want to risk disrespect to his memory]
"We all know how Human drama has historically portrayed asteroid fields," said Human Steve at a planning table. Ze, and hir co-host, were helpfully labelled for newcomers.
"Lies," said Human Bob, and gestured to a screen displaying a ship dodging space rocks left, right, and centre. An ancient audio clip played a sound-bite that said, "It's only a model," as if the watching audience couldn't tell.
"Visually appealing lies because we went into several asteroid fields and this was what we saw," Steve gestured to a display that held lots of black, some stars, and a few visual augmentations pointing out actual asteroids and the distances they were from the viewer.
"This is what pilots call a close encounter," said Bob. It showed a rather more detailed rock off to the far left of the display, again outlined by the augmenting program in a much larger quadrangle. According to the display, it was still some thousands of SDU distant from the viewer.
"All Alliance vessels are protected from micrometeors by their Hungry Caterpillar systems, so watching that happen is going to be very boring indeed. You might be wondering what a flight like those ancient dramas would be like."
"That's what Buster is for," cheered Bob.
The announcer spoke as the footage played, both of the obstacle course build, and the flight results. Unsurprisingly, it took a lot of effort to replicate a pre-Shattering dramatic asteroid field. "Buster is named after the original, pre-Shattering test dummy that the first Mythbusters used and stands in for Humans in situations where even Humans don't feel safe. This obstacle course is made of non-cogniscent satellites inside of harmless foam 'asteroid' bodies. They're programmed to orbit our dwarf-planet sun stand-in, and not come closer than two Sidu from each other's surfaces. To keep things interesting, they're also programmed to act as a rock would according to the false gravitational mass programmed into each satellite."
"That's what makes it all fun," said Bob, putting a fishbowl-style fake helmet onto Buster, in the pilot seat of a remote space craft.
"We're using an unprogrammed probe vessel from B'Nar as our space vehicle and flying by remote, well out of range of the asteroid satellites," said Steve. "We're counting five strikes on the ship's hull as a simulated fatality, and three as an emergency distress call."
"The question is not 'is this old footage real' - of course it isn't. It's all movie magic and we know it," said Bob. "The question is, 'is a situation like this even survivable' and we're finding out in the most amusing way."
"Havenworlders," said the Announcer, "if you've made it this far, you might want to have your helpers on standby."
"Launching Buster Probe in three. Two. One."
The small craft launched through the field of fake asteroids. One optional window showing a Buster's-eye-view of the field and several cameras picking up shots that replicated the dramatic pre-shattering portrayal. Music and Human laughter filled the audio feeds.
One strike. Two. Three. The simulated emergency alert went off.
"The odds of survival are millions to one," joked Bob.
"Don't tell me the odds," deadpanned Steve.
Four. Five strikes. The run ended and all vessels reset to their starting positions and programming. "Oh, and we're simulated dead. Alas, poor Buster."
"Again?" said Steve.
"Sure thing."
The Announcer took over, covering what the footage showed. "The Mythbusters tried twenty times to make it around their obstacle course three times without either mock-dying or needing simulated emergency assistance. And the results were... not great." A montage of Bob and Steve reacting to their multitude of failures.
They were back at the planning table with Buster hanging its burned rubber head in shame. "Well," said Bob. "Now we know why asteroid fields aren't like how they're portrayed in pre-Shattering dramas."
"Yeah, it's not even remotely realistic. You have a rock field like that and you're either getting a planetoid or a nice set of dust rings," agreed Steve. "It's also a gigantic mincing machine for any vessel trying to cut through."
"You'd need precognitive abilities to even try," dismissed Bob. "I'm calling it 'Busted'."
"Yeah, it's busted for sure."
The graphic played the Havenworlder-friendly version with flowers blooming, as a break for any more delicate viewers to enjoy.
"Next up," announced Bob, "we're going to try and recreate the planar wave we've seen in so many pre-Shattering movies."
Steve said, "Any excuse to blow something up once per episode, right?"
"Yyyyup."
[Image (c) Can Stock Photo / polchris]
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