Shell Shock (combat stress reaction) - personal experience note

First, i must admit ive got triggered by clickbait tittle of some history article. There was this picture of the soldier laughing, and its described as Shell Shock madness, sort of.

Though it made my memory jump back to mid 90s.
Together with family, neighbors, school class and everyone else i knew, ive experienced effects of intense shelling of populated urban area for several months.

What triggered me, is the way its described, and more i dig into subject i got bigger urge to left something written from my own perspective and my own personal experience as 14 year old during the Civil war in former Yugoslavia.

1. Panic

Panic was our big ally during the first few weeks. Being freezed, screaming STOP IT! inside your head, sprinting to basements and staying there was smartest thing to do, while i still didnt know the rules. It prolly kept my head where it still stands. If it caught me on open, i would find something to hide, and let my brain work - counting explosions, predicting gaps and calculating where and when to run for better shelter (i never moved really, noone does, but it helps staying sharp, or getting back on feet).
In the beginning, we also didnt know that multiple rocket launcher is a joke compared to 122mm howitzer. First one just sounded loud and badass, 2nd one was far more deadly.

1. Joy and happiness

• When it stops. Even for an hour. Seriously. There is not much feelings like that. Its like, i made it through against all odds, and shelling stopped even if i thought it wont stop ever.
  Everyone is happy, everyone is laughing and joking. Those were moments when going out of shelter was delayed - just a bit more - before we face the situation outside.

If its related to shelling at all, soldier on that photo looks just like that. Hes happy, and theres no way for us to understand why or how much happy if we werent by his side. Yes people are dead, maybe even close people didnt make it, but let me be happy just for a few moments more. Its primal selfishness, basic instinct like.
And its hard to come out and face someone who lost relative when you are in that mood. Its way harder to find out someone yours is missing.
Those breaks are scary to see, not to mention going through it.

1. Deaths

• People are suddenly not dying only on frontlines, what we been already used to.
  Now its families. Kids. Hospitals. Refugee camps. Backyards. Markets. Funerals especially.
  During the first month, we all had chance to see the effects of long range artillery shell on human bodies, even on crowds. Only thing we could do as kids, is to not cause troubles and try being of help.
  Can we get used to death everywhere around us? I dont know, but i experienced that collective numbness. Looking back, its a scary thing - Getting used to something like that. But there was even worse things in later days.

1. Screw it, im Superman / getting used to it /

• The worse and most dangerous condition. I would call that Shell Shock solely.
  122 Howitzer firing sounds like someone opened champagne bottle down the street. You cant hear it if somoene is talking near. But that was the only alarm for us. Trouble begins when you already been contused, schrapneled and knocked out before, when you know whats coming just by hearing firing some 30 km away, and when it becomes old already. So I used to ignore it and go fishing on bridges, to play at basketball court, or to walk with dog during some of most intense shelling. And its not just me. People kinda decided to not give a fck after some time. They got tired. Those were the days with most victims. People lost that precious healthy fear after some time.

In my opinion, this is the most serious medical condition. In that time, we didnt spent much time in shelter, but if we were there, we would mimic thunder firing with our hands, like Zeus the God, and trying to predict exact moment of explosion so it looks like we are firing lightnings from our hands. It was easy to sync moves with multiple rocket launchers. And hell of a funny when some of shells lands too close, raises dust and disrupts the show, because goal of the game was to stay cool. We were in shelter mostly to listen music, and i remember headbanging to "Blackened" (Metallica), and listening some tape recorded from satellite radio. Just decade later i will figure out my fav song on that tape was Narra Mine (Genaside). If there was selective shelling, and if they aim other part of city, loud music and closed doors worked as good sound isolation. But again, we were inside only when its really bad weather, and when there is nothing else to do.

1. Memory filter

• So i can remember songs, stories, jokes. I can remember some great moments when we all had fun and laugh. Its kinda weird, today when i talk to people who were through it with me, it looks like we re talking about last saturday party. I do remember body parts, funerals, body parts on funerals, kids from my class and basketball club who died these days. But somehow good things always prevails in memory. Its because there was war, bad things were happening every hour. It would be too much to remember, and too common. On the opposite, good moments were rare, precious and easier to remember.

1. Effects

• Except physicall damage i believe i didnt suffered much from whole situation. I got knocked out by part of the wall, got thrown away by detonation, blacked out once without reason after close shot, earned little scrhapnell in stomach, and been deaf for whole 2 days and thats it. It was just an episode anyway, because later it became really hairy and messy, without shelling.
  What i found contradictory with common experiences with Shell Shock is also over sensitivity to loud sounds. I read that people who suffered from Shell Shock had bad reactions to thunders, crashes or shots later. I had no reaction at all, even when i should had it. I still fail to act like normal person when things get blown. Its like when something crashes, explodes falls or breaks, people at least blink a bit, if they dont jump from chairs. Im kinda still dragging that numbness somewhere inside, and it is very weird. Even creepy sometimes.

Banned for a good reason?

Term Shell Shock was banned for using by British military, ad they had Shell Shock "victims" in large numbers during WW1. I see lot of people trying to figure out reasons for banning it.

I found about term "Shell shock" 3 days ago. I know about PSTD, didnt know there was also Shell Shock..

But what if i knew about it while i was going through it? Would my brain see it as possible way to go during many desperate moments (and there were many REALLY desperate moments)?
I guess its been more safe to not know and not to spread the word about it.
Partly because fakers would learn how to fake, and people who already have mental health problems would be thinking of it. Key is, while you are under MRL fire, brain really works for olympic medal, and its looking for a way out desperately. And who knows what it can see as acceptable way out.

All this is just my personal opinion, reminder note and individual experience.

   photo source: rarehistoricalphotos.com