Waiting for it is a ritual that does not know how to rest. While chasing it is a kind of worship that there is no Qibla direction. And both are a kind of heresy that I created myself. Being a thing that is so fardhu I live. And the most I can't explain to others is, I don't know, I'm chasing him or waiting for him. And this time even activities that I can't name.
Sit on the beach with your back to the sea. The waves are behind me, might be chasing each other. Because that's the way we always call the waves. And I know that from his voice, shouting like a bird in the morning. In front of me lined up stalls which until now I always call it a coffee shop. Although I knowingly know, the main menu it sells is cold drinks, especially young coconut. Typical beach drinks. On the right and left side children run around. Domestic tourists who wear closed clothes and foreign tourists who only wear bikinis. How contrasting.
But I became the only contrast on this beach. Enjoy the beach without looking at the beach. I don't know how long I've been in this habit. Every Sunday morning I come to this beach. I traveled a great distance. Three hours sitting on my matic motorcycle bench. Something that somehow becomes always light every week. Every time I want to come to this beach. But actually today is different from before.
Today I came to my favorite place at his invitation. At Siska's request, a friend who accompanied me for so long. Nine short years to feel. And nine long years if I want to tell. He and I begin the story without love, each with its own story. He with his love, me with my story. For nine years I've never been tired of hearing him tell stories, and I don't think he has ever tired of giving me the same story.
Always the same. Although always different from the male characters. Starting from the son of the richest person in school. Until the young boss the owner of the company where he works. This morning maybe as usual, he will tell his story with one of the other adam type creatures. I don't know who is out there. After the last two years I have never heard him tell his love. Then I also have prepared what if I will respond and not.
I know very well how he will tell me, very detailed. And I just need a little bit of flair to ask something that he hasn't said. I don't need to respond right or wrong to his decision. He already knows. He needs me only as an enthusiastic listener. Yes, that's all that's needed from me. Not advice, or criticism.
The sea breeze that blew blew my back, making my head look straight ahead. His presence along with my view. Wearing a yellow long sleeve shirt. long black hair without a veil. The long skirt that protrudes to the beach dancing makes her graceful so she realizes this beach. At least in my two eyeballs, only she was the angel. And I'm quite happy because somehow today, why my clothes are quite compatible with him. With short beach pants and a bright blue safari pantay. A little ashamed of my heart remember.
"Hay, has it been a long time?"
Greetings who are not polite. Ah, these are the bases.
"It's enough time to spend a pack of cigarettes if I smoke." I answered carelessly.
"Yes, because you sell a pack of cigarettes to children who cannot buy cigarettes at normal prices. You sell it cheaper so it runs out faster. "
"What do I sell cigarettes for? And why are we arguing about cigarettes? " I closed discussing cigarettes.
The beach breeze again blew my stem. Siska was sitting to my right and she looked at the beach. Yes. We enjoy what we can enjoy together. Although both are different.
"On this beach there is no mountain you see. why do you turn your back on the beach? " Siska's question is not something complicated to answer. Siska knew very well that I liked the mountain. Enjoy the view of the mountains. And he always accompanies me if I take him up the mountain. And the question is not a question sentence that needs to be answered with truth. He just needed to make sure that I had seen the beach or not.
"I enjoyed the beach before you came. And in fact I've been enjoying the beach here for months. "
I paused for a moment.
"So, what prompted the inspiration to invite me to be a guest in my own home?"
I already consider this beach like my own home because I am very used to coming here. And indeed, Siska knew that too.
"Don, I'm close to a man." Start to the point. And I was ready with this.
"He is quite close to me and my family. In fact, I don't think it's close enough, it's very close. He was so considerate I felt. And I can't possibly misjudge his attention on me. "
"Straight to. Are you disconnected or are you sorry you decided? Cut me off.
Either I suddenly want to cut. In the nine years of history I just cut him off about his love affair. Maybe I feel this is a start that is too lip service.
"Not both. I just didn't date him yet. " He answered softly. I turn my face to right for a while. Seeing him begin to continue the story while his eyes remained staring at the endless ocean. He continued,
"It's just that I've been thinking about it lately. Am I supposed to date, or not. And even if I were dating, would I wait for him to convey his feelings to me. Or do I have to say it first? "
The beach breeze blew the leaves of the coconut tree on Siska's left side. The natural soundtrack is quite dramatic to listen to the drama of Siska's life.
"And if you wait, is there a possibility he will speak to you?" I asked just to remind him what he was going to say.
"To be honest, I wasn't sure at first. He is really good at hiding it. And whether I feel, he really covers that possibility. "
"You mean by covering up?"
"He gave no sign that he would say. But I know, from the beginning he actually delivered. Only without a word. In fact, I have tried several times to show a bit of intimacy with other men, he seems like there is no response whatsoever. ”
"And if you are wrong? I mean, it turns out he really has no feelings for you. Is there such a possibility? " Hopefully the last question does not indicate I doubt it.
"I'm sure I'm not wrong. He must truly love me. Even though I'm not sure, why is he so quiet. "
"Okay, please continue what you know about him."
"That's the main problem. I don't even really know how he is. My biggest mistake turned out to be that I had never looked into him. I never knew whether he actually had a girlfriend or not. Or has he ever been in a relationship with another woman or not. I have no idea. Doni, do you know? Even he who was so close to my family did not make me curious about him. Until a while. and I just realized it lately. And a little late to find out. "
"What do you mean a little late?"
"I know now. I honestly don't want to believe it. But I have to believe it. " he tried to arrange the sentence.
"Yesterday I went to his house. I met his mother with a woman. He is not at home. Said his mother was going to the market to buy something. Then his mother introduced me to the woman with him. Apparently the woman was an arranged marriage with him. I don't understand why, but his mother said, 'Siska, your friend when asked by his girlfriend where? Never answered. If asked, is there no woman you like? He answered there. But I never want to introduce you. He said prestige. He said the girl was a rich kid. And the choice of the man he craves is not like a mother's child. So inferior. Then mom says, son, if you like, just say so. It's okay to be rejected. ' You know, Don, what does that answer to his mother? He answered 'We are friends. I am afraid I will lose my only friend if I say and it turns out I was rejected.
Siska took a deep breath. In tune with the beach breeze which again hit my back. As if breathing deliberately trying to receive fresh air from the high seas.
"And apparently he accepted his mother's offer." He continued briefly.
As the sea breeze has not stopped blowing. I felt tightness in my chest along with the story. And the tightness seemed to compress the nerves in my eyes and my throat. Until my eyes watered a little, and my throat choked, wanting to say something but I couldn't. I can only look at him. Staring fixedly at his right cheek.
"I know Don, you surely know who he is. He is a man with a sturdy body with fair skin. Very bright for the size of our neighborhood man. This man who for nine years accompanied me. Listen to whatever I say. And actually he who yesterday I invited to come to the beach together. Stare at the beach together. Enjoy it together. "
Her pink lips in my eyes just danced noiselessly. It seems like the tightness in my chest has disturbed my ears. And from the lips it reads, "Even though I knew from the start, that he and I would stay as usual. Backs to each other ".
And I still turn my head towards him. Her cheeks twisted and made both of her eyes appear in my eyes. And on the beach, there are four eyeballs that are wet, wet and getting wetter. I can make wind and sand as suspects for leaking pipes in my eyes. But I couldn't escape the charge that I was the one who was accused of leaking pipes in his eyes. My biggest disappointment after accompanying him for nine years. It is my stupidity that I never understand. I wait for him or chase him.
