God didn't leave me guessing. He sent me a sign that it's time to slow down, quiet my mind, and work on myself while He labors on my behalf. Physical, mental and emotional exhaustion dragged me to the dark place where I told myself I will never be at - depression. I felt lost. Purposeless, even. I felt like I have to put on a mask whenever I wake up. Not all of God's signs are enjoyable. But if that's what it takes to get my attention, He succeeded. It's worth it. No matter how many times I screw up and think, "there's no point to carry on", I have to keep going because I am not yet the person He wants me to be.
This week has been tough. I've had a lot of realizations in the past five days. I have learned that the worst kind of sadness is not knowing why. Sometimes, it's okay to cry. I've learned that you are not required to smile when you're not really pleased. God doesn't want half-hearted responses. His discipline might be painful but the peace it brought me was rewarding.
God gave me time to grieve. He kept His promises. It's true that He will never leave you nor forsake you; that He's close to the broken-hearted. This was the time of my life when I cried myself to sleep and I even felt that God did pat my head, wiped my tears and gave me reassurance that everything is under His control. It was that first time that Someone made me feel that He's just with me and this is just a phase I'll get over with. He never judged me nor blamed me that I am the reason as to why I am sad. My wounds are probably not my fault but healing is my responsibility.
It stings, I know, but that's where we were born into: a life where the heart never gets what it wants. I understand now that God will only give me what He knows that I need. No matter how much I wanted something, if it will not help me grow spiritually and as an individual - it will remain as a NO.
Fr. Carpio's homily in today's mass is an eye-opener. Quote, "We talk to God through prayers and He talks through us reading the Bible." I am proud to say that God has led me to several signs this week just for me to open the Bible. I am overwhelmed by His words. I remembered that God loves me more than anyone could. That there's no need to worry because He will not leave my side. No matter how many times I ran away from Him, He's always several steps ahead of me - ready to catch me when I fall.
While writing this, I was listening to the song All I Need is You by Hillsong United. This is my favorite part and I hope that it will be yours too:
One more day and it's not the same
Your spirit calls my heart to sing
Drawn to the voice of my Savior once again
Where would my soul be without Your Son
Gave His life to save the earth
Rest in the thought that You're watching over me.
If you've reached this part of my note, I fervently pray that you will be one of God's warriors. That not matter how difficult life gets, you will stand up better than never before. The one who falls and gets up is so much stronger than the one who never fell. I lift to God all the things that makes you sad. For He will take away the pain you are feeling right now because He wants you to be happy. I pray that you find happiness in Him not in material possessions. God's love is permanent. The world will turn into dust but His words won't. In Jesus' name. Amen.
