I closed my eyes and stared into the dark, twisted mess which stood in place of my soul. I grinned malevolently. Soon, the world would be mine. Soon, I would complete plans of unspeakable evil, full of terrible, terrifying acts of cruelty beyond any man’s worst nightmares.
All I needed was a few short minutes with access to that tool of peons and gentlemen, the internet – to confirm my plans with the other members of The Alliance of Villainy and to order more peanut butter. World domination requires a ridiculous amount of peanut butter.
Unfortunately, I did not have a computer with which to access the internet. That would have made it far too easy for them to track me – something which they had been trying to do for quite some time. Fortunately, today I could simply utilize the local library – something I hadn’t been able to do the past two days, as it had been closed for the weekend. Today, however, was Monday. Today my plans could continue, today-
Suddenly I started. A dark, shadowy figure had appeared before me, something which should have been impossible in the depths of my mind, my twisted mess of a soul. And then the figure spoke without speaking, and I heard without hearing. “You do realize it’s Labor Day, right?”
I blinked in shock. Labor Day – that would throw off all of my plans. I couldn’t use the library, couldn't contact The Alliance of Villainy. I could think about that later. But first I had to figure out-
"Who I am?" The figure grinned.
I blinked. It was almost as if it could-
"Read your mind?" It seemed as though the grin had widened, become smugger, if that were even possible.
Once again, I started in shock. Now I desperately needed to know who – or rather what – this thing was.
"I'm you. Or rather, I'm the part of you that wants to do good, that wants to end these meaningless evil plots of yours."
I glared at him. "That's impossible. The only part of me that wants that is Tom, and he's far too weak willed to stand against me like this."
The creature laughed, and that laugh sent chills down my spine. It was so… good, the sort o sound that makes children smile and people feel at ease. It was anathema to me, I could never abide such a thing. "No, I'm not one of those weak… alter egos of yours. I'm you, your very being, your conscience as it were."
I glared at it. There was no way any part of me could be that unevil, no way part of me could be truly good. By the chaos of anarchy! There was no way.
I focused my mind, focused my being, focused every evil bone in my body. If he could read my mind, I could read his. And then I pushed. Who sent you? Where did you come from?
And then I heard it. I was placed here… for balance. All creatures are made with some good, none are entirely evil. Not even you.
And then I grinned again, a grin as despicable as any I'd ever given. Not until now. But now… And I pushed.
There was a mighty howl and a rush, I felt as if my innards were being torn apart. And then, in a fading echo "I may not be able to do more, but you can't undo what I've done. You shall do no evil today."
And I laughed, a laugh as evil as his had been good. "Perhaps not. But I can always do it tomorrow. But first… just a quick nap."
Note: Yeah, that last sentence is probably why I haven't conquered the world yet. But first… just a quick nap is better at stopping me than any conscience could ever be. I managed to borrow a computer with which to type this, and if it's posted tonight I suppose I'll have found a way to connect it to that mighty tool of peons and gentlemen. Though I suppose at that point the previous sentence will have become needlessly complicated so perhaps I could change it, but that would remove its entire purpose in life, or rather unlife … ok, goal accomplished. I managed to completely bamboozle anyone reading this footnote. Unfortunately, that includes me. (I think I somehow also managed to create a zombie sentence. Oops)
-Hyperbole out
