Deep Breath. Alright. I’ve decided. It’s time to confess, to tell you my backstory.
I’m a professional killer. I’ve killed over 20 times, and never been caught. My first kill was Lavender Doe in Texas - I was six at the time. My handler insisted that I burn her before I kill her - he wanted to test my conviction. The next was named Frank Newbery from Australia - I had to beat him to death. There have been a few others, but I think it’s better I tell you how I was trained than who I killed.
Or rather, not how I was trained, but what I was trained in. I am a master of 4 martial arts and speak six languages fluently. I can take apart and/or assemble almost any gun in seconds, and shoot with pinpoint accuracy from over 300 meters away. I’m an expert rock climber, and can therefore scale most apartment buildings. I know 9 different programming languages and can hack almost any computer - in fact, I put a code in this post which hacked yours, and I’m watching you from your webcam now - you’re next
pauses to see how you react to this. Well, I thought it was not bad - I even went to the effort of looking up actual unsolved murders to calim to have done. Pity I didn’t have a few more paragraphs to follow through with, but I thought it was wearing a bit thin. Also - confession - this wasn’t entirely within the realm of a freewrite, I did kinda think of the idea beforehand and liked it, so I used it.
Now where to continue? Just in case you couldn’t guess, I’m not actuallyy a professional killer. I didn’t kill Frank Newberry, and I’m sadly lacking in most of the skills I described. (please ignore the implications of the first half of the previous sentence.) I only know 1 martial art, and I’m hardly a master. I only speak two languages fluently (my spanish is horrific), and I’ve never handled a gun. Well, a real gun, I have handled paintball guns in the past. I’m a fairly solid rock climber, but I’ve never scale an apartment building - the best I’ve done was a house. I know like half a programming language, have no idea how to hack, but I did ask a hacker friend of mine to help me actually hack your webcams.
Ok, not really, but I had to try.
Anyway. I’m trying to brainstorm here on what to discuss - this is a freewrite, so I shouldn’t realy think of ideas in advance, and I usually end up typing whatever pops into my head, which makes me look somewhat insane.
Hey, at least it’s an accurate portrayal ;)
My usual topic of discussion is based on whatever is sitting next to my computer at the moment my train of thought from the beginning of my freewrite comes to an end. In this case, thats DIE!!!!
Sorry, too much emphasis, that would be a die. Y’know, half of a pair of dice. No, I’m not cutting each of the dice in half, I’m talking about one of… you know what, never mind, it’s not even worth the trouble.
Dice could be a rather interesting discussion. Unfortunately, my topic for discussion is not dice, but a single die. Well, this is boring. It’s not even a dye, which could be rather fun to discuss, depending on its color and whatnot (yeah, dyes have interesting whatnots. what is a whatnot anyway? Hmm, note to self, remember to look up.)
I’m always telling myself to look up things later, but I never seem to remember when I get the chance. Actually, just yesterday I was wondering why a shotgun seat is called well a shotgun seat. I was planning on looking it up, I thought if I had it on my mind when I started my freewrite, it could be an interesting topic to mention. Sighs to self Well, now at least I can remember to look it up after I finish this, well, I could look it up in the middle, i do that occasionally, but I think I’m out of time. oops.
Hyperbole out.
Postscript: as always, this was written in a (mostly) freewrite style, nothing was edited more than three seconds after having being typed (instinctive corrections, I can't really stop it) other than fixing up mistaken autocorrects.
