Matthew Hussey, a dating and life coach whom I respect very much, has an interesting approach to motherhood. In his latest book, he explains that a woman should do her best to clarify (for herself) her intentions towards motherhood. How important having a child is, how high on the priority list, by which age she’d ideally like to have her first child, etc.
And while he works to help his clients find loving partners, he also encourages them to have back-up plans if their first choice (e.g. meeting their soulmate, getting married and having a bunch of kids) doesn’t work out. He says okay, set a timeline. If you don’t have kids by (fill in your limit age), what are you willing to do? Give up? Adopt? Try IVF? Would you consider freezing your eggs or using a surrogate? Or would you be content channeling your mothering instincts into other activities (like teaching, volunteering, etc).
It doesn’t matter (to him) what your plan is, as much as you having a plan.
It reminded me of something I heard Matthew McCounaghey say about his own journey to fatherhood. He said he always wanted to have kids, and how before he met his wife, it really haunted him that he wasn’t meeting women he’d like to have kids with. Until, unwittingly, he did exactly what Hussey recommends. He had this realization that okay, while he’d like to have kids with a loving, involved partner, that wasn’t a must for him. And if that didn’t happen, he would adopt or have kids via surrogate or something. Because he didn’t want his fatherhood to be dictated by random chance.
At the same time…
Personally, I’m quite organized and oriented. I don’t mess around. If I’m seeing you, I like to know there’s a future, I want to know if you’re someone I could have kids with at some point. And everyone says that’s crazy, you shouldn’t be dating with kids in mind at 25.
But I don’t know. It seems that we keep pushing that age where you can just hang loose later and later. Oh, 30’s young, 35’s young. Until one day, it isn’t.
The way I see it, I may be young at 25. And my approach may be crazy. But say I don’t have those things in mind, and I get together with someone, and date them for like a couple years, only to break apart eventually because they weren’t someone I could have kids and a future with. By then, I’m 27. 28. Already not as young.
But say I fall into the same trap again, and again end up in a relationship without a future. By the time that ends, I’m in my early 30s. And already, the famous biological clocks are ringing alarms around me.
I remember being on a date a couple years ago with a guy I liked quite a bit. When he said he’d never want kids, I said nothing. I didn’t want to be uncool and old-fashioned.
This weekend, I was again on a date with a (obviously different) guy. Very casually, as it was in context, I let him know kids are in my plans and I’m very sure about it. It wasn’t threatening, it doesn’t need to be. I wasn’t saying I want kids with him, just letting him know that I don’t waste my time with people who don’t want that from a relationship.
At 23, I didn’t realize that was a perfectly good reason to get up and go. Not dramatically, like, but it’s a valid reason to get out of a relationship (since it’s futureless). I was so desperate to be liked and accepted, I would’ve easily wasted a couple years on that guy. Now, though, I’m not.
Obviously, having kids with someone who seems ideal for that can still land you in trouble. And obviously, you need to go through stuff with a person and know them a long time to know if they’re someone you wanna have kids with. Obviously.
But why add your own sabotage on top of that? For me, if a man says he doesn’t want kids, I take it at face value. That may change in his story, but I’m not gonna hang around and see. If a man’s values and ideas about life don’t align with mine, I like to find that out early on in a dating scenario. Because every week, every month wasted for fear of asking “big” questions adds towards that getting old and waking up not in the life you wanted.
After I heard Mr. Hussey talking about making a baby plan, I started making my own. I was 24. So quite early, still in the “it’s crazy to be thinking about that now” stage. But there I was.
I figure 28 is a good age. In the sense that if I’m not with someone who I can see myself having kids with by then, I’m gonna start seriously considering alternatives. I’m gonna do my research by then, obviously. Figure out what every option entails, what I’d be comfortable with, and go for it. Is that crazy? I don’t know.
I have friends at that age and even years older who are still figuring stuff out, still acting as if they have all the time in the world. But for me, it gives me a certain comfort knowing I have a Plan B (and C), and if Plan A doesn’t materialize or work out, I’m covered.
It might seem counterintuitive, but I think that actually makes pursuing Plan A a lot easier. It takes a lot of pressure off. Because if you only think oh I must meet a man, I must have kids with him, I must do this and that, you’re putting all your eggs in one basket (no pun intended). As if dating wasn’t already hard enough.
