Why?

A simple word that is made out of only three letters, and probably one of the most frequent word inside my brain... W, h, y. Those three letters combined affects me heavily...

I ask myself "why?" many times in various situations, but it seems to remain an unanswered question no matter how many times I ask myself. At least most of the times.

I often try to be reasonable and I try to figure out a logical explanation for different things, but it never seems to help. Even when I come up with the perfect explanation, the best possible answer for certain things, it is still not enough. I continue to have all of these "why?"- types of questions no matter what I do, like I can't accept the answer I am given...

Lately, I've started to think that I might actually, in some weird way, lack the part of my brain that should allow me to accept, forgive, forget and move along from certain things, but it seems like I am not capable of doing that.

I have been through a lot of different things in my life. Anything from losing a friend when we were kids to dropping out of school for various reasons. I've been cheated, and no matter what, I have always allowed myself into being manipulated to believe, love and trust many times. It's not that I compare things with others and believes that my life is worse than others, because it's not. But my pain doesn't go away because I know that others might be in a messier situation than me.

It's not comforting to hear that.

The worst thing was to lose my father. Everything else is like bruises compared to losing my father. I lost a huge part of myself when he passed away, and many things have been uncontrollable several times ever since. I have worked hard to be "the best me I can", but along the way, I have continued to lose other things around me, and ultimately, I think I've lost myself even further... It's difficult to talk about because I honestly don't have much of an answer for most of the things.

However, even though I suffer from panic- and anxiety attacks and depression, I have still worked hard to be the best I can. I have fought hard and I have never been afraid to step into the battlefield and fight for what I believe is right and for things I want to achieve in life.

I see others who seems to get everything on a silver platter. They seem to never have had a single bad day in their life... And I see myself. - I can obviously see others at that same moment too, and I can't help to think that life is unfair. For real.

It's pretty common to say that "life isn't fair", but honestly, life is sooooo fucking weird, so I can barely take it seriously anymore. I don't mean that I am ready to jump in front of a train or anything, because I would never do such a thing, but... I can honestly not understand how life became this weird. No matter how much I try, I never seem to get away from this one question... This one unanswered question: