Hey Hidden. Thanks for sharing a bit about your past and your personal pain. I have a lot to say about what you wrote.

Regarding the doctors. I used to be for a short while ( quit as the cases i delt with were heartbreaking) a paralegal for a medical malpractice law firm on the plaintiff side. Meaning we represented the victims. People would be shocked how often reputable doctors accidentally kill or severely harm their patients through negligence. It always gets swept under the rug in arbitration so the public never finds out about it and their malpractice insurance covers the fines or damages awarded so it rarely directly effects them. Often they dont look back at all on their fuck ups and continue on with a cavalier attitude. I also have a problem with the for profit medical industry as it is here in the States. I dont look at doctors who prescribe treatments they make a kickback on, or that dont actually heal you so that you become a patient and a cash stream for their business, as real doctors. They're just well disguised villains too.

I also hold solidarity for you regarding PTSD. I never realized i had it myself until a friend of mine who has it from his time as a marine in fallujah told me he recognized it in me.

Looking back on my life its been a wreckage of horrors, trauma and poor decisions made by a young man without the emotional faculties to effectively deal with or address them. My biological father was extremely abusive. Emotionally, physically and sexually. By the time i was 10 i was a broken human being who stumbled through life the only way a broken soul could. And the results were disastrous.

My entire life up until a few years ago was spent in Los Angeles. I write about my crazy times there here on Hive but the reality is behind those crazy times was even deep pain, terror, depression and humiliation. I've been homeless living in cars. Had guns stuck to the side of my head for sleeping in the wrong spot. I've dumpster dived to survive. And a whole lot of other things I'd rather not remember.

I developed ptsd through all this trauma and feelings of hopelessness. I had to remove myself entirely from los angeles and my life there to begin the healing process.

To this day when i think of my life in Los angeles, if i see photos of los angeles, if i see movies filmed in los angeles i get immediately feelings of depression and panic. Ice begins to run down my veins and my stomach hurts. Im instantly brought back into that world of pain and depression. People idolize that culture and town. Its their hero. To me they are villains. And much like you i know they cant all be bad there are good things about the city, people and culture there. But still the association is forever branded in my brain.

I think the healing process for conditions like ptsd are a case of two steps forward one step back. They're not linear. There will be triggers that draw you back to the pain you felt then and are struggling with now. Seeing doctors being idolized during coronavirus i feel is probably a trigger for you. I'd stay away from the news to minimize that from happening. Focus on hobbies and things that heal you.

Anyways, those are my thoughts on this.

I'm always around if you want to chat. You know where to find me on discord.