My anorexia really snuck up on me and it seemed like one day I was fine, happy, healthy, my weight and food were not something I thought about very often and them BAMM! Overnight I was consumed with good foods, bad foods, calories, my reflection, protruding bones, purging and exercise.
I hated all food, I was convinced that whatever I ate would instantly make me look fat and bloated. I hated that I needed food to survive. I hated that everyone else could eat without consideration yet for some reason I couldn’t and if I did I would gain 10kg instantly. My thought process back then was completely crazy and irrational, yet I truly believed it.
My life had become a very dull, exhausting and pointless cycle: wake up, hate myself, check weight, hate myself, obsess over what tiny amount I would allow myself to eat, hate myself, purge that tiny amount, hate myself, repeat.
The mental agony I felt was far worse than the physical side effects. Everyday my body was hurting, my joints felt like they would explode, I was constantly dizzy, there was always an acidic burn in my throat, a constant hollow pain in my stomach, dry and flakey skin and the exhaustion. That was nothing though compared to the constant feeling that I was so worthless, I didn’t deserve to be a part of this world. My anorexia had actually convinced me that I didn’t deserve to eat food and needed to take up as little space on this planet as I possibly could. This thought played on repeat 24/7 in my already chaotic and defeated little head.
You have to wonder how much a person must actually hate themselves to intentionally starve to death.
Below is a picture of me 5 years ago and 2 years ago. I have never looked at photos of myself side by side like this before and it is quite confronting. I am really pleased to see a big difference. It may not be as obvious to you but for me its overwhelming. I can actually see how I really look. That was something I had lost.
*there is about 15kg difference in these photos.
Carzy xx
