These glasses make me feel COOL. I once asked my husband if I could wear them while we did it, he sadly said no. However, they aren't the item I mean to highlight here. No, my favorite item to wear are these ridiculous American flag pants. I saw them in the thrift store one day, and it was love at first sight. I wear them at least once a week!
Why did I want these? The friend I was shopping with thought I was kidding when I threw them over my arm, but when you know, you know. I love stupid clothes. I have a collection of sunglasses with various noses attached. I wear t-shirts that advertise things like pickles, (another cool thrift find) or those old Budweiser ones with the frogs on them. I had a trucker hat that said #1 Great Grandma on it as a teenager, and wore that thing a lot!
I own like 7 tutus, vintage dresses, cute ensembles. I clean up pretty well, but the items I wear in those situations don't come to mind when I think of my 'one piece'. I knew straight off it was these pants! You see, I have some history with them.
Over the last few years, I've gotten really into the band IDLES, a British punk-rock band. It all started during quarantine, when my husband Steve and I started having at home concerts. Before my youngest was born, I was kid free two days a week— my ex and I co-parent my daughter. Since we didn't have work, and the world was shut down around here, we made our own fun.
We'd get incredibly drunk some nights, and dance around until it led to other movements. Others we actually sat and watched, live streams and the like. One of which was IDLES, they were mesmerizing to watch. Their bassist was wearing these very same pants, although I didn't particularly note that at the time. Well, their tiny desk concert came flooding back when I saw the pants on a rack!
No way, I thought, they were probably similar, they couldn't be the same!
Identical! This was a big fan girl moment for me. If you like punk/ alternative, I highly recommend giving that a watch! IDLES is such a good time, I had the joy of seeing them live not too long ago, and they are just as lively in person.
Quarantine was hard, both Steve and I worried for our parents of course. No one knew what anything meant then, the data changed every few weeks... it was stressful, certainly. My prevailing memories of this time are fun though, and IDLES is pretty laced in!
I like these pants for comfort as well of course. Who doesn't like spandex? I can eat a whole lasagna and these suckers will still fit. They are comfortable for chasing tiny humans, who seem to be designed to try and hurt themselves. And they are absolutely unparalleled at making an important statement in public: "I don't give a single fook."
I'm a magnet for awful people, I don't know why. If there is someone who is up to no good within 1000 feet of me, they will sniff me out. Well, when I'm in my American flag pants and pickle shirt, they don't want none of that! Everything about that says, "I am crazier than you."
During this time, I developed my ultimate self-defense tactic. Now, in these days I was too vain to just dress weird, so I'd ACT weird. If some drunk doofus got too aggressive, I'd out crazy them if I thought I could. One time a man began to yell at me, calling me a bitch for saying I didn't want to talk. So, I started barking at him, you got it buddy! It was actually quite fun.
There was one home-free not so gentleman that I'd see a lot. We had a long back and forth, it started one night when he locked eyes with me, and started rubbing his junk. That night I was tired, I just didn't look at him again, and that seemed well enough. He got ballsier over time, and eventually pulled the freaking thing out one night!
I'm not typing what I said to him on the blockchain, but it was wildly unhinged and involved bear mace, and it worked. He made a point to sit far away from me from then on. These are just two memorable examples. Usually it was far less extreme, I'd scare bus lane suitors off by talking about how I like to dress as a dolphin or collect chewed gum.
One time I asked a man if he was my long-lost son, and pretended to cry that he hadn't called in so long. "Where have you been Marvin?" I asked this man who was clearly a decade older than me. He didn't have an answer, what a loser.
Being wild was a defense mechanism pretty often, yet it had a lot of simply fun times too... These pants are a piece of this side of me. Before marriage and kids, I was still responsible, but I was untamed. I didn't stress about as much, I said what I meant and worried about what would happen later. Some days I need to feel that, to remember that under 'mom' is still me.