I was a childless 20-something when I had the dream the initial time. After losing my firstborn child Adele, I had decided that I would not try again. Although several years later this idea would shift, at that point in time it was rock-solid.
The dream begins in the forest, the setting for many of my eyelid movies. I feel a searing anxiety ripping through my chest, and I know I have to find something. It is the only thing that matters.
I start off sure that whatever it is, certainly it will be found nearby. Until it isn't. Everywhere that makes sense to look yields nothing. It is then that I realize I am looking for a child.
Although I had the joy and sadness of being a mother for one shimmering day at this point in my life, there are certain feelings I never received a taste of. In this dream I was given a dose of these motherly emotions long before I could place them as such.
I have that loving anger that only parents can understand as far as I know. I'm furious that my child has run off, that I did not notice. I no longer feel anything but a desperate need to find them. As the day progresses into evening and the sun hangs low, grief strikes me.
It's a stabbing pain in my heart that fears the worst, that wants to die if I must, just to fix this great wrong. My child is missing, and it is my fault. There is no other answer outside of personal blame. Only the creator knows where my baby may be. I have failed as a mother.
A hillside lays before me, and I know that down it's steep side is my destiny.
I've had the dream dozens of times throughout my life since it first tormented me. It is always identical. Many people report having reoccurring dreams; psychology would say this is a way for us to deal with unresolved issues. I stumble down the hill, each breath I take burning in my throat. My body is weakening, at odds with my determination. I will not stop until I know my child is okay.
Desperation. I move as fast as I can, ears scanning for any clue. Eyes begging for the scenery to offer me solace. My mind screams at me.
Every time, I know that I found the answer at this point, but my cruel mind never let me know what it was. I'd wake up gasping and drenched in sweat. My intuition told me I died there. And maybe I did, but in a symbolic way. Nonetheless, I firmly believed that this was my death dream. That I had seen the end of my life. This might sound odd, unless you know about my weird clairvoyance.
I dream about the future all the time. Although often mundane bits of foresight, these dreams have a certain quality, they leave a lingering feeling of connectedness behind. This dream has that feeling to it each time I've had it, and my in my gut I just knew...
I come to a clearing and feel agony tear me apart. Then I wake up. There is no visual or auditory experience in this. It is a feeling that permeates my pores, which I would sweat out onto my pillow as I wondered what it all meant.
It has been years since I have had this dream, yet it was so vivid each time that I do not believe I will ever forget it. It took me a long time to face what it meant. I wanted to spend all my time in nature; yet became skittish for awhile. I questioned my long-term goals of living off-grid. I was scared.
And then one day I was overcome with the desire to have a baby. Whiplash, insanity, doom! Didn't I know that it would assure my death? I fought myself, silly girl, and in the end the strongest part of me won. I accepted that maybe the part of me that died in those woods was actually the part that stopped living after the loss of Adele.
That if it was my destiny to repeat that, so be it, but it wasn't likely at all. I let go of the layers of self-hatred that I now recognize as the theme of that dream. I let go of my survivors guilt and knew then that the best way to honor Adele was to truly live.
A freshly minted Thea
Not too long after, Thea crashed into my world to change me forever more.
I stopped having that reoccurring nightmare. I waved goodbye to the vivid hell it brought when it occurred to me that it had been years since it passed through my mind.
Having a healthy child healed so much in me. I realized it was time to fill my life with a different sort of dreams. Ones that a mystical little person would guide me through. My rainbow baby.
Thea at 6 months old
This is my participation for the Ladies of Hive contest #147. If you'd like to participate too, you can find all the deets here!
All photos are my own, taken with a Canon EOS Rebel T100 or cell phone camera
