Have you ever wondered how you'd become what you are now? I do it day by day.
And for me, it’s a huge question how I became this lazy, unmotivated, overweight, sour and unhealthy person.
As a child, I used to be just like everyone else. I was active, I loved being outside, having fun with friends, crafting in nature, I had a hell of an imagination, and I could literally feel energy bursting in my chest. I was so alive, I was so energetic, curious, full of potential.
Now it is all gone, long ago. I mean, I have my own story of losing my inner child, family issues, losing people I love, being refused, cheated, betrayed and abused. But I think we all have a story behind our back, and these things are not a reason for giving up on ourselves and letting the pain of the past poison our present. Why am I talking about these things now?
Well, because it’s the 1st of January, the day when everyone starts their diet, or getting rid of an addiction, or anything they promised themselves at the end of last year. This is a day of a new start, no matter how big the purpose is.
I promised myself to find myself. I promised myself to find my way back to who I used to be.
I have no plan, just a few ideas about how to start, but I want to share it here and now, as I want to do it - this time for real - here and now. No tomorrow, not on Monday, no more excuses and no more bullshitting. No more lying to myself and to my environment.
If I fail, I want you to see how and why I fail, I want you to see that I am not giving up on myself because I deserve better than this, I deserve to be handled as a valuable human being, and no matter how much people are around me try to help and support me if I treat myself the way I do.
For a long time, I was looking for reasons to explain why I can’t change, I was blaming everyone and everything, I felt like the whole universe was against me, that it is not fair and I was born to be unhappy. I felt like no matter how hard I try, no matter what I want, I am determined from the start to fail.
It took me long to see that all the time, it was me standing in my own way. No God, not the universe, not the people around me.
It was my fear, my laziness, my mind looking for excuses. All the time, I was constantly sabotaging my success, my happiness. I was my own enemy.
And at the same time blaming my environment, my past other conditions for the way I felt, there was this self-hate I could not get rid off.
To be honest, self-hate is still part of my life. I hate the way I feel, act, look, communicate, I hate to look in the mirror, I hate to meet new people because I don’t want them to know me and see me, I hate when I meet friends and people I haven’t seen in a while because I hate the fact the see what I’ve become, as on the inside so on the outside.
This is the first thing I will change. I have to accept myself the way I am. No more self-hate.
