I have gotten to realize that my courage does not usually come in a completely brave way. In most cases, it looks like waking up some morning, getting out of my bed, and pretending I still know what I am doing because, truth be told, some days don't come easy.
There have been periods when I set out to do some things, but the plans refused to work, there were no adequate funds sometimes, and I don't want a situation where people are asking questions. In my country, there is always some kind of question that comes with pressure, โSo, what is the next plan now?โ when I'm still trying to figure things out and gather myself. I've answered a lot of those questions before, and it felt like an important part of me had been misplaced.
Hope is not the thing that has kept me moving. In most cases, it's my routine. I respond to and reply to messages. The task I have, I finish it. I keep everything around me clean. I open my system again to continue working, I make another attempt even even when the one before is fresh enough to hurt.
Before, my idea of courage was always feeling strong to continue. But now, I have a better understanding of that. Now, I see courage as the ability to refuse to make a permanent decision about my life due to what happened on a temporary bad day.
Some challenges that I have faced have changed my perspective on how I measure progress. Because I always prepare for the best while also expecting the worst, in a way, I no longer expect that all the forward steps I take will feel significant. Some days, taking the next step only means I'm not trying to leave behind, give up on, or abandon the person that I am trying to become.
There are some days when everything feels so uncertain and I feel tired. But I always tell myself that to take the next step, I don't always need to feel ready every time, and there's something comforting about that. Because in most cases for me, just taking the next step is simply enough anyway.
Thank you for reading.
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