Exactly a week ago today, I was in one of my friend's houses, and we were having some discussions. In between, he looked at me, and what came out of his mouth was that when it comes to celebrating my own birthday, I am the worst. I burst into laughter because I knew he was telling the truth, even though I had to think for a while over what he said, then I expected.
He was right because it's the absolute truth. Those who are not in my circle or are outside hardly know my birthday. Meanwhile, I am always posting others on their special days. In fact, before writing this post, I just celebrated two beautiful ladies who are friends of mine who are celebrating their birthday today on my WhatsApp status, writing a lovely caption and making sure their day feels seen and glamorous. The funny thing is that I happen to have the same birthday and month as my elder sister, though we are not twins. But I only post her pictures.
Now I am less certain that this is generosity. Because that is what I used to think. But there is something incredible I love about celebrating others, and that is, I give attention without receiving it and becoming the center of it myself. There's no one to examine me when I am the one who is in charge of the noise for someone else's special day. And this has given me another thought, which is, being looked at directly started to feel like exposure rather than joy.
What my friend told me on this day, seven days ago, compelled me to ask why receiving celebrations feels harder than giving them. And this this moment that I am writing this post. No clear answer has come to my mind. And maybe it's modesty. Or maybe it is something not as loud as that, like never fully believing I deserve the same fuss I happily give everyone else.
For my next birthday in August, I think I will post one of my pictures along with my elder sister. Small step, right? But not throwing a party lol. Just a picture to feel seen also without flinching.
Thank you for reading.
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