I once heard someone say, "Children remember how you made them feel long after they forget what you punished or rewarded them for."
We have this laminated chart that is still hanging very faintly ghosted at the entrance of my room, sun bleached where I used to put stickers, one red star for finishing my homework without anyone having to tell me, and one white star for arranging the table without complaint. Anyway, those belong to my younger brother because I never had one.
My parents had already softened in a way that took me a long time to figure out by the time they gave birth to him. When I was still at his age, forgetting to do what I was asked to do either meant a quick punishment, or a raised voice to correct me over also before it registered. I could remember one Saturday afternoon when I was told to do something before they came back from where they went to, a simple homework, I totally forgot to do it, and by the time they came back, my mother had already decided how the conversation would go before I said I forgot. I had no time to give my explanation, just straight up consequences, immediately in a complete way.
But this time, the same type of thing I used to forget, for his own, he always gets a conversation instead and sometimes a note for him to keep up and remember next time.
Then, I used to feel somehow bitter about the gap in a way, but now I know better. Because then, there are some things while growing up someone must not say out loud in a Nigerian parent's house because to them, it feels like disrespect, and someone is maybe accusing them of loving a particular child more than the other. Which is true. Every parent always has a favorite, but they won't agree.
Now, seeing him grow up has taught me something I didn't even expect to know. He is always open to our parents. He tells them things, his mistakes, what he is passing through, almost everything that is happening in his life, but in my own case, I would rather hide it from them than to confess out loud. Because from what I have seen, confession always comes with a cost one way or the other.
He is open, he speaks out without hiding. And that is the actual difference between punishment and reward left behind, not which of us turned out to be the most disciplined one. We are both doing okay and trying our best, but which of us grew up believing honesty was safe?
In my experience, I will not say that punishment failed completely. Because I am here today, I turned out fine, more aware, quick to read my surroundings, alert, and careful. And even still now, I am still careful of how I speak to my parents in a way my brother simply doesn't, and what I see is a gap never fully closes once it's been built early enough.
I hardly see the chart on the wall again; maybe it faded or the wall moisture affected it or faded past reading. But what it taught him and what he gained is still very much present in the room.
Thank you for reading.
Images created by Gemini AI
