I guess I had a breakdown. There’s no other way to describe it. All of a sudden, I felt like I just couldn’t live like that anymore. Too many years of not being able to express my opinions or feelings; or, expressing them only to get shut down. Then not being able to find the right words to say in response. It’s so frustrating to figure out eight hours after a conversation what you should have said or wish you had said. Too many years of caring for everyone except myself, of "pulling myself up by my bootstraps."
Anyway, I just started crying and couldn’t stop. I was shaking all over and didn’t know why. The thought of having to do anything, even something as simple as brushing my teeth, seemed overwhelming. I did’t want to die, I just didn’t want to feel that way anymore.
I didn’t know if I could handle all the feelings that were starting to come out. Most of the time, I did’t even know what I was feeling. Was I mad, sad, depressed, grief-stricken, anxious, angry, worried? I just did’t know. It’s pretty ironic that I told my daughter to express her feelings, and there I was trying to not feel.
Being numb is easier. I guess that’s why people turn to alcohol, sex, drugs, or any other number of substances or activities to divert their minds away from what they don’t want to feel. For me, it’s been different things at different times: games on my phone, movies, keeping busy, and the number one comforter – food. Food, a necessity. You eat to comfort yourself, then you gain weight and feel horrible about yourself, so you eat more food to comfort yourself. It’s a vicious cycle.
I guess it’s the same cycle with working through emotions. If you keep trying to deal with them in the same way, you are going to get the same results. If nothing changes; nothing changes. I had to change the old ingrained patterns that I’d been using my whole life. Change is hard; change hurts. Just like pruning a plant; you have to get rid of some of the shoots and branches to make it more productive. Will the plant bear fruit without pruning? Yes, but the fruit is smaller and eventually the plant may get so overgrown that it could topple over, much like me.
I toppled, I hit bottom, I went off my nut, lost my marbles, etc. And still I sit, waiting for God to work, but knowing that I have a lot of work to do as well. Sometimes I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it, but I knew I had to; I HAVE TO. I want to be healthy and happy. At times it seems so impossible, but I won't give up.
