Dear Lola,
I don’t know how to start with this letter. I’ve been typing and deleting for the past 20 minutes and I feel like words are not enough to express the emotions that I have been carrying for the past two weeks.
Everything happened too fast.
I knew that you were not feeling okay but I thought you will be okay - like you always did because you are a strong woman. I even bragged about it to my friend, that I have a grandma whose very strong.
I kept calling your name since the night you left, Lola. It was one of the sweetest words I know. It was not just a name I call you to give respect. It was another word for love. For it is all love that you showered all people around you. I saw it during your wake. How you turned the nights into feasts - a lot of people came for you. I’ve seen unfamiliar eyes crying and smiling while reminiscing the life you lived.
You were loved by everyone, not just us your immediate family. You made me realize that family is not in the blood or in the name for you made a bunch through your heart. Our big family is bigger now because of you. All those people you welcomed into your home. All those homes you paid some visits. All those souls you touched. You made them into ours.
I am happy because I experienced that kind of love first-hand. I experienced it through you. I felt it when you hold me in your arms when I was little. How you cared for me when I was sick. How you cared for my friends. Whenever you ask where I am going and where I have gone. Whenever you cook vegetables and shared it to me because you know I love eating them - but I only got to love it because you taught me how. How you heartily eat the sweets I bake and cheerfully praises how it tastes - even though I doubt if its really good. I felt it. I felt it with all your actions towards me and other people.
Maybe that’s the reason why it’s hard to let go.
I’ve been telling myself that these are all just a dream. That I will wake up and will see you in your favorite spaces - that seat in your front door and the chairs/hammock in front of our house. I cannot find you there anymore.
I don’t know when we can fully recover from this grief. Perhaps a little more time. Until then, we will keep on looking for you through the places and faces of people you’ve touched. And when we ran out of photos to reminisce how you look like, we will still remember you through our hearts.
Thank you for the gift of love. I will forever miss you. I will forever cherish you, Lola. Until I see you again.
Mahal kita, Lola. (I love you, Lola.)
Love,
Ang2x
