Most people approach and argument from the "I am right your are wrong" perspective. And though that may well be true, winning an argument more often then not requires you to be FAIR ... not right.
I realized this while in the midst of a battle at work. I was fighting for because I was right but to win I needed to be fair.
On this particular project, I was getting push back. I didn't know why and really wasn't feel patient. In fact, I was getting to be a bit of a tyrant. I knew my answer was right. My record of success should have made it pretty clear. I was pretty good at my job. I started the division I ran, I generated revenue all the time, I hired and trained some of the most talented people in the industry. My ideas were used to expand the company.
So why wasn't anyone listening? Well there were new players on the board and I had to adapt. Which, I wasn't particularly keen on doing. I was so annoyed I started to think about ways to get a better response. I went in all different directions before I realized diplomats spend their entire time trying to win arguments. How do they get what they want without causing a war?
Well the diplomatically minded approach each argument from the point of view of what will be a win-win or what's FAIR. They know that being right doesn't always net a positive result.
So here are the simple steps to win an argument and get what you want done:
Use your common sense and find the common ground. Everyone has a point of view. A good negotiator can find the place that everyone can meet peacefully. That means find answers the work for both parties. A little give and take may create a better outcome.
Pay attention to how you are using words and word choices. It's important that you not constantly place blame throughout the argument or point fingers. There's always two sides. Try using third person pronouns or inclusive nouns to get your point across. It makes a difference in how the other person will react and feel.
Compromise is a good word. Assuming you both have similar principles, compromise is a pathway to success. Never go against your core values, do consider where you and the other person believe in the same goal and let it guide your choices and decisions.
Understanding gives you multiple ways to approach a problem. If you take the time to understand the others point of view you will be able to find possibilities that will help both of you achieve resolution.
Calm down, breathe and be reasonable. Being over emotional or excited can take the argument down the wrong path. One, because your not focusing on your communication and two, not really listening to the other party. It becomes more about what you feel and less about the facts.
Lastly, be gracious. Don't back the person into a corner, leave them room to breathe too. Let them walk away with their pride and make it okay that they didn't win. Ask them to participate and add to the solution.
Using these techniques, I was able to win the day at work. Get my project done like I wanted and my opposition was able to participate and feel proud of the work they contributed.
The great thing about this advice is it also works in your personal relationships. Try in on your partner or kids and see how it works. Let me know by leaving a comment....I would love to continue the conversation.
