The weekend started off so nice. We went out for dinner with a group of friends/colleagues. And it was also very nice, of course we all knew that our dog, our little girl, was not doing well. And the worries were certainly there, also that evening! But for now we could let them go and enjoy being together with friends / colleagues. Two hours of enjoyment and trying to leave the worries at home.
On Sunday our girl was still okay, yes, she was sick, an enlarged heart, which pressed on her trachea and lungs that were therefore full of fluid and scar tissue. But it seemed for a while that the increased (and the highest possible) dose of prednisone could do its job.
Monday, May 1, my partner's 64th birthday, began as many days begin. My partner had a day off so we could sleep a bit longer as usual. Around 8:30 I came downstairs and there was our little girl waiting for me at the door, the back door opened for her so she could go outside to pee. Unfortunately there was another pee inside, she couldn't always hold her pee for a long time, but until a few weeks ago it actually always went well. So that was also an indication that her general health was secretly deteriorating, and we knew that too. After frequent visits to the vet, we were convinced of this. And in the past period there have been many visits to our vet. Sometimes also contact by phone, for which I am very grateful.
The evening of May 1st, things went wrong, she kept coughing and panting a lot, while it really wasn't warm yet, and neither was it inside. Sometimes she stood still for a moment, and then you just saw her gasping for breath, so sad, our friends who were there were also very worried about her and thought it was so sad how she could not find her peace and at the same time was and remained so short of breath, and keep coughing. The same evening, after the visitors had left, I sent another email to the vet with the new situation. That night we went to bed, with the “fear” of finding her dead, suffocated the next morning……….
Fortunately, she, (and us), was spared that and I came downstairs on the 2nd of May, (our paper partnership), and she was still waiting for me, coughing and well. This morning was sometimes very scary, my partner just had to work. And my little girl was sometimes so stuffy, she never accepted it if you just wanted to pick her up, and now she didn't want to either, she went under the chair, which is under the table. And as always she came to get her cuddles when she wanted to, so also now, and that while you would love to help her, but couldn't. And even when she came to get her cuddly toys in those last weeks, she didn't want to be helped, sometimes we tried to pat her lightly between her shoulders, hoping to relieve the coughing, but she wouldn't accept that. After I got home from physical therapy, she was happy, but even more anxious than when I went, so I took the plunge and called the vet. That same afternoon we could come with her, see how bad it is, and whether we shouldn't look at it a little longer, maybe.
So at 3.45 pm we came to the vet, where the assistant prepared us a bit for what was to come, because she already saw how short of breath she was, just like we saw it coming ourselves. That last darn difficult decision was really imminent, but maybe ……….. just maybe??? Once at the vet, she started coughing again and again that she was really short of breath. The vet herself was in tears when she told us that it would actually be a pity if she had to go into the summer like this, which of course we already had in mind. So the most difficult moment had arrived, the moment when you have to say goodbye to your most faithful little companion, the little sounding board in beautiful, but especially difficult times. That little friend, who doesn't judge, who is never mad at you, and who is just always there for you!
But as difficult as that is, letting her suffocate, as she could probably have done with a very hot day, is not an option either, we cannot do that to her. Not that sweet little girl who was always so loyal and sweet, that would be more than being selfish. Because then you don't keep a pet out of love but out of selfishness. At least that's how we think about it! Of course there will be people who disagree with this, that is allowed, that is their opinion.
She got 1 injection, she would fall asleep from this, but she was like she has been all these years, a little fighter, when her muscles became weaker, she lay down and sucked on my hand, chewed a bit, very softly. She got a 2nd injection so that she would surely sleep when the real injection would come so she wouldn't feel pain anymore! After this she quickly fell into a deep sleep, and with the last and final injection it happened in no time. Our little girl was gone, she was crossing the rainbow bridge, where hopefully Micky, Rowan and our parents were waiting for her, I did ask them but well, as always no answer so I can only hope that they will all be there for her.
And we, yes, we also have to go on, no matter how damned difficult that is now, every time it's one of those moments when you have to do something alone, without that little girl around. She will always be with me in my mind. I'll never forget her.
