"I do not understand how I come to this condition of isolation and immersion in my thoughts. It's really strange and I almost don't understand it, but I feel like if I couldn't speak or express myself in any way. This scares me, for a while I am fine: happy, optimistic, eager and at another time fearful, insecure, inexpressive, with many thoughts and feelings. I really don't understand it. This scares me.
"I feel that everyone sees me, that they talk about me. I don't know how to deal with that. I see the world as huge, too much for me. I want to be in a capsule or a place where no one sees me, where I don't contact anyone, just me, my world and me. Going out frightens me, staying in bed makes me feel useless and wasting my time.
"I don't want to talk. I feel like I'm not making any sense. I don't even know why I came to work. My mind is not clear. I don't think clearly. It's my fault what we bought was lost. I just want to isolate myself or die. I can't take this anymore."
The above paragraphs are excerpts from the diary of a depressed person. But not from someone with a passing moment of sadness, but from someone diagnosed with the often misunderstood disease called Depression.
In this illness, yes, it is an illness like any other; suicidal thoughts haunt the mind. One thinks and feels that the best thing is not to exist anymore and stop being a burden to others. It is believed that others, especially family and friends, have enough of their ills to put up with you. Sleep alone seems to be the way out of thinking and feeling no more.
You want to go out, do things, but it's a big burden for a depressive to go out and face the world. You can try, but it's hard. You feel at times that you no longer have the strength, you want to give up. "I'm sick of pills, of psychologists, of doctors, of all that. I can't take it anymore", many people say in many moments.
Misdirection and forgetfulness are normal; you have to do something and you forget. You have to go two or three times to the place because you forget what you were going to do. There is also a lot of anxiety about eating.
Depression really is hell. It is an anxiety that eats you up inside, it is feeling that the world is cruel and recognizing at the same time that he has done nothing to you, that sometimes he is not to blame. It's feeling bad and not knowing why. It's lying in bed and having thoughts of worthlessness, guilt and sadness cluttering your mind. You don't find it, that's the nightmare of Depression as a disease. Feeling in a bottomless pit from which you want to get out and feel good but your mind, your body, your emotions are on "hold", suspended, depressed.
It is wanting to enjoy and share with your family and not being able to give more; as if you have low batteries, the world passes you by and you can't keep up. It is crying for the despair that comes from not living normally and just wanting to be alone because the world is too big and overwhelming for you. It is crying because you feel guilty that the lives of others must often adapt to you because they must and want to take care of you or help you in this process. It is crying of sadness, crying almost uncontrollably because you do not want to be like that, you want to live fully but for more than you try many times you can not.
So is the Depression. It is so painful and overwhelming, and many, many times totally hopeless.
PD: If you know someone with Depression, first investigate as much as you can about the disease, the lack of knowledge on the part of those around you is the biggest cause of those who suffer from it feeling misunderstood by those around them and want to help but do not know how. Learn as much as you can about it. And finally, talk to the depressed person (if he is willing to do so, don't force him if he doesn't want to talk); not all cases are the same, there are several levels of depression apart from the fact that each person is different in his thinking, feeling and the causes that led him to suffer from this disease. If you want to help, learn more and teach less, talk less and listen more.
You can also contact someone who has suffered from it, sometimes nothing beats the experience to learn about something. I am available to you as an experienced practitioner. I've also suffered from depression.
Original G. S. Bilbao
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