"I'd like you to try," she said with it held enticingly in one hand in a gesture meant to make it more appealing to me.
I looked at it with a look of horror and derision.
I'd already said no a few times but that girl of mine can be persistent and it was clearly something she really wanted me to try. I steeled my resolve and (as defiantly as I dared) held firm. "But it tastes fucken terrible."
OK, that wasn't as defiant as I'd hoped it would sound, more of a petulant whine I suppose.
She looked at me with that look.
I returned her look with my look.
She returned my look to her look with her other look.
I returned her other look to my look that I had returned to her first look with my own other look.
She returned...
Ok, I probably don't need to keep going; let's just say there was much looking and return-looking in a battle of wills I was (always destined to win because I am a legit tough-guy) always going to lose to her because I'm forever worried she'll stop wearing low-cut tops and showing me her boobs just to punish me for defying her will.
So I relented somewhat and opted for compromise.
"Ok, how about I promise to try it for a week and if I don't like it I can stop. What say you?"
She considered this for a moment...a terrible moment in which I thought she'd rescind my boob access and force the issue but then a tremendous moment of triumph when she said, "deal. You're going to feel so good after a week! I wasn't so fucken confident but celebrated nonetheless.
You fucken beauty, I'd won! I was elated and basked in the glorious light of victory...
Umm, hang on...I'd just relented and agreed to drink the devils milk in my coffee for a week. Not much of a victory...but at least there'd still be boobs.
That's right, almond juice in my fucken coffee.
I'm talking about what most people call "almond milk" which, everyone knows is not even milk! How the fuck can one get milk from a nut if it doesn't even have tits?!
Apparently, there's benefits to drinking "almond milk" (a.k.a almond juice) instead of cows milk but fuck me, I can't think of one thing!
I'm told almond juice (I refuse to call that fucken shit "milk") is chocker-block full of protein, fibre, vitamin E, magnesium, selenium, manganese, zinc, potassium, iron, phosphorus, trytophan and calcium. Ok big deal, fuck those things, who needs them?
There's purportedly some other good shit in and about almond juice but I don't care, I'd rather drink milk that came out of a cows' boob.
Yep, three fucken days of drinking coffee with almond juice in it that taste's like shite. Do I feel healthier? Nope. Do I look healthier? Nope. Do I like it? Fuck no. Do I miss cow-boob-milk? Yep, you bet your fucken ass I do.
I have four more days to go now and I'll be honest, I think I might not make it...meaning I think I'm going to die of almond juice consumption like everyone else (ever) who drank almond juice. True to my word though, I'm persisting and will push through the horror-nightmare I'm living while drinking almond juice in my coffee and if I do die I'll brush it off long enough to come back to life and say to that girl of mine, "I fucken told you so."
So, I was hoping someone could explain to me how the fuck they milk almonds when almonds clearly don't have any boobs. I'm curious. Also, if you happen to have an image of an almond with boobs or a video of an almond with boobs getting milked, I'd be ok with you putting it in the comments below.
Failing that, do you drink almond juice and if so why? Have you even tried it or would you die if you drank it like I'm going to? Feel free to comment if you want to.
Design and create your ideal life, tomorrow isn't promised - galenkp
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