When my phone rang this afternoon, a private number which I would normally not answer, I took the call with a degree of trepidation.
"Hello," I said cautiously, half afraid of what I'd hear.
"Hello, it's Dr. ____ speaking, from the ____ hospital, is that G-dog?" The voice on the line said...He used my real name of course.
I answered in the affirmative and proceeded to listen intently to a lengthy summary, an initial prognosis, on my dad's condition which had taken a turn for the worst.
In the last week I have had consistent phone calls from my dad's nursing home where he resides. He has had several falls, and is in a lot of pain in the leg region, so much so that he is almost constantly crying out in pain, something my father would never normally do being quite a stoic fellow. He, quite clearly, has some serious problems; Confirmed by the call from the hospital.
As some may know, he suffers with dementia which has accelerated sharply lately; He also suffers with prostate cancer which I've not mentioned previously. His kidney function is poor and potassium levels are very high. He has open sores on his legs that won't heal, very poor circulation in his legs and is now struggling to walk. There's other complications but you get the idea I suppose. He is not in a good way.
We have been unable to see him now for about four weeks as nursing homes are closed to all visitors due to COVID-19 restrictions, quite understandably of course.
Today I received a call from the facility to tell me of yet another fall and that they have called an ambulance to transport him to hospital after the visiting doctor suggested some testing the nursing home could not conduct in-house. As my dad's power of attorney and enduring guardian, the sole person who can make health and medical decisions on his behalf, it's their job to alert me to any changes of course.
I half-expected the call at some stage but it still came as somewhat as an abrupt surprise today.
I have since heard from the attending doctor at the hospital who advised they will be keeping my dad in for a few days at least, performing more scans and tests plus putting him on a drip as he is very dehydrated. He couldn't tell me much more so after some discussions around my dad's medical past and possible treatments, more pain control mostly, we ended the call.
I've been preparing for a phone call in respect of my dad's decline and today it finally came. It may not be the end for him just yet, but it sort of hit home...And I don't like the fact he is in so much pain.
I won't go into the details of treatment, nor am I looking for any suggestions of herbal remedies, my father would not take them in any case. I guess, I'm just writing for the sake of it, for myself and to order my own thoughts; Writing here has always provided some degree of comfort, or at least ordered my thoughts.
I had a chat with Faith today and we both agreed that it would be a kindness for my dad to simply fall asleep and pass away. This may open up myself for judgement, but it's how I feel.
My dad is in the same hospital in which my mum passed away at the age of fifty nine, from cancer. Her end was...Well, it was terrible. The day before she died I did not even recognise her...A pretty confronting thing to see for a son to be honest. She was in immense pain, managed somewhat by copious amounts of morphine, and could not speak. When I think of her that's the first image that comes to mind, which is pretty terrible in itself I have to say.
I don't know if the same will happen with my dad, but I don't want him to be in pain, hence the fall asleep line above. Maybe I'm a selfish man to think as I do, a bad son, or maybe not.
I'll be able to see my dad at some stage. The hospital will permit a single visitor, a regulation in place to mitigate COVID-19 issues at hospitals. I'll be honest, I'm reluctant. I mean, I don't know if I want to imprint that image in my mind as with my mum. I'll cowboy the fuck up though, as I always do, and go and see him when I'm permitted and deal with the consequences later.
Right now I can hear my wife on the phone with my sister as I type this and I have to say...I'm the luckiest man in the world to have someone like her in my life - Such a caring individual. I could never explain how much she has done for my family; My mum, my brothers and sister and of course me...You'd never get it I guess; You'll have to take my word for it. I'm just fortunate to have her around as she helps at times like this, more than she will ever know, or I could convey.
Anyway, I better go talk to my sister...I don't want to do that either to be honest...I'm sort of not in the mood...But again, I'll toughen up and get it done...Not much choice in the matter.
There's no point to this post really and it probably doesn't make much sense anyway, although I'll leave you with a suggestion...Talk to the people you love, tell them how you feel and how important they are to you...One never knows when that will not be possible.
Every one's sun will set.
Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised.
Be well
