As an introvert and a freelance artist, I experience a tension between indulging in my preference for seclusion and trying to escape it for the sake of my well being. I am grateful that I do not have to face a stressful commute, then work in a highly structured environment among lots of different personalities and distracting sights and sounds. Being at home and working flexible hours should make me happy and yet I go through periods of deep longing and I scold myself for being so discontent when people point out that my career is a perfect fit for me. It is but I get lonely and it is difficult to convince myself of my worth when there are no bonuses, promotions or certificates. I lack motivation when my highest compliment is a prompt payment from a client (which is always appreciated).
In school, I would get sick almost every morning. The ache in my stomach actually felt normal. I was in a large class, we wore uniforms and our timetable was strictly managed. Some children thrive in a rigid, disciplined environment but I wilted. I cried in class when I was told off for prematurely using the fine liner pen that had just been added to our stationary list. I saw it as a new art tool and I was eager to try it out. The teacher assumed we would not use them until she instructed us to for a specific exercise; she saw my creativity as an act of rebellion. I was not a sporty nor academic child so I had few opportunities to shine, my art got me into trouble. I was given a detention for doing my homework in the wrong book; my chest closed up and I couldn’t understand why I kept gasping for breath. I was having a panic attack and when a friend tried to help, she was told that to leave me because “I didn’t deserve any sympathy”. Some children get into trouble because they want to push the limits but I wanted to please people. My default settings just got in the way.
The only way to escape school, my mental prison, was to make my way through it. I managed to complete a curriculum that went against my grain, doing better in than I expected in some areas. A career is not like school though, it lasts much longer. Life is already challenging in itself, you want to enjoy your time at work. This is why I choose to work from home. However, I also remember that the struggles through my early life among extraverted, hardened people made me stronger than I would have been otherwise. When you have been hurt in an area, it is especially difficult to revisit that place by choice. I don’t have to socialise or learn skills in areas where I know I am weak but I do feel a great sense of achievement when I occasionally return to those painful situations. Even if I make a fool of myself, struggling in things that come easily to others, I must not stop trying. I will be able to persevere because I can now manage my schedule and master my anxiety. When I need to withdraw into a place of refuge, I can do that and trust God knew what he was doing when he designed me. I am answerable to my clients but I can choose to turn down a brief, no teacher or boss can dictate what my capabilities should look like.
I hope this is an encouragement to those with a similar disposition to mine.
