Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation. Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too. image source

In a boomerang shop: "I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?" image source

Police:Open the door! Man: I don’t want any balls! Police: What? We don’t have any balls! Man: I know. image source

Me and my wife decided that we don't want to have children anymore. So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one. image source

A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?” The husband:

''You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door opens…” “Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious discount on that car!” image source

Harry prays to God: Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery. The next day Harry begs the Lord again: Please make it so I win the lottery, Lord! The next day, Harry again prays: Please, please, dear Lord,

-In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull’s testicles. -One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: “Funny, why are they so small today?” -The waiter: “Today,

Oh darling, since you’ve started dieting, you’ve become such a passionate kisser… What do you mean, passionate? I’m looking for food remains! image source

Doctor: “Do you do sports?” Patient: “Does sex count?” Doctor: “Yes.” Patient: “Then no.” image source

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!” Psychiatrist: “Yes,

-I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. -I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship. image source

-My wife suffers from a drinking problem. -Oh is she an alcoholic? -No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers. image source

Sleep with an open window tonight! 1400 mosquitos like that. 420 mosquitos commented on it. 210 mosquitos shared this. One mosquito invited for the event. 2800 mosquitos will be attending the event. image

Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.” Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?” Doctor: “Every two hours.” image source

Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.” The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.” Man: “And that frees me from my sin?” Priest: “No, but it frees your face

Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?" Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!" Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if

Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with

Whenever I get down to my last $3, I'd always head to the nearest 7-11 -- the white trash casino -- and I'd buy a 40-ounce of beer and a lottery scratch ticket. I would drink the beer, and I'd scratch