What goes up and down but never moves? The stairs!

A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body.... and yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!" The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your

Do you know why women aren’t allowed in space? To avoid scenarios like: "Houston, we have a problem!" "What is the problem?" "Yeah, great, pretend like you don’t know what I’m

I’m selling my talking parrot. Why? Because yesterday, the bastard tried to sell me

Q:What do politicians and diapers have in common? A: Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.

“You are so kind, funny and beautiful.” “Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.” “And smart, too!”

I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea. I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.

So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby. For instance my name, address and telephone number!

Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roastbeef. Please call the manager! “ Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”

I was making Russian tea. Unfortunately I cannot fish the teabag out of the vodka bottle

Why is women’s soccer so rare? -It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.

A police officer stops a car. Officer: “Your driver’s license please.” Driver: “I’m really sorry, I forgot.” Officer: “At home?” Driver: “No, to do it.”

A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”

Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo. Men 1952: I just fixed the roof. Men 2017: I just shaved my legs.

Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye. Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.

Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem? Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell? Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.

Mr. Smith: “Doctor, you remember this strengthening solution you prescribed me yesterday?” Doctor: “Yes, what’s the matter?” Mr. Smith: “I would like to use it but I can’t open the bottle!”