Lola’s jittery hands clung to the warm coffee cup sitting in her lap. One breath in, one breath out.
Her panic attacks were coming more regularly now, but they only worried her mother.
One breath in, one breath out.
Her chest was tightening, her heartbeat pounded in her ears, her eyes filled to the brim with the tears she couldn’t let fall.
One breath in , one breath out.
“Lola! I’m back! I couldn’t remember what brand we had decided on for a baby monitor, so I just went with the most expensive. Ha!” her mother called from the garage doorway. “Oh, and Dr. McCalister's office called to confirm your appointment Thursday at 9:00. I can’t believe you’re already 20 weeks along!”
One breath in, one breath out.
“Lola, honey, are you in there? I thought I heard the T.V on…” her mother stepped around the corner to peer into the living room.
“I’m here, Mom” Lola responded quietly through tears.
Gloria inhaled deeply and walked slowly to the couch, worry lines etched deeply into her youthful face.
“Is it bad this time?” she asked gently, reaching to take Lola’s hand.
“I wish the pounding would stop” Lola whispered. “I need to breath.”
Gloria took the mug and placed it onto the table, then gently pulled Lola’s shoulders closer so head could rest on her lap. She stroked her head softly and started to sing.
“Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so…”
Lola sobbed softly into her mother’s knees, then harder until all that was left was the dry shuddering of her chest.
“I know none of this is okay,” Gloria began. “I wish I could change…” she paused. “I wish he was here too.”
The day had been long and exhausting. It was nearing midnight as she flipped through the channels on the TV aimlessly hoping to tune out the voices in her head, to get a reprieve if only for an hour, then maybe fall asleep. She finally gave up and headed back to bedroom.
Laying her head on her down pillow, she drummed her fingers lightly on her chest, and stared at the ceiling. A soft moonlight glow bathed the quilt on her bed. The breeze that had floated the curtains only moments earlier, had died away leaving her bedroom quiet and still.
She looked around the room that had slowly become hers over the past few weeks. A small collection of photos and knickknacks from her own home set on the dresser now, along with a stack maternity magazines she had only looked at once.
Restlessness stirred in her chest, and she wondered how long she could live in a place that still felt foreign? How long could she feel like a child again, unable to do for herself? How long would she be paralyzed by her grief, and muted by fear?
Her breath quickened as she sat up suddenly in her bed, then swung her legs out of the covers. She dressed quietly, then slid through her bedroom door, and a few steps down the hall.
“Tom…Tommy…are you still up?” she whispered through the door. She waited a moment, then knocked softly twice.
The door creaked open an inch to reveal a droopy eyed thirteen-year-old on the other side.
“Lola,” he asked rubbing his eyes, “are you alright? Do I need to get Mom?”
“No, no, nothing like that…” she felt a grin forming as she whispered. “I wanted to know if you wanted to go somewhere with me?”
“Now?” he asked incredulous.
“Yes, right now.” she answered quickly. “If you come with me, I’ll buy you doughnuts…hot doughnuts.”
“Give me a sec.” Tommy closed his door, but Lola could still hear his feet rustling over the carpet and his dresser drawers opening and then closing. A minute later, he came back fully dressed with bright eyes.
They made their way silently through the house, grabbing their jackets and a set of keys off the hook by the kitchen phone.
“Lola?” Tom paused by the front door. “Do you remember the security code to the house?”
“They haven't given it to me yet,” she said. “But maybe...” She punched in a four digit code and the light turned green and she laughed. “They're still using the same code as the other house.”
Tom gave her a hive five. “Think you could tell me?”
Lola laughed, “What kind of example do you think I'm trying to make?”
Gloria’s car pulled slowly up the cul-de-sac, and Lola hit the lights. They crept slowly towards their familiar driveway, the smell of hot doughnuts filled the air.
“Are you sure about this?” Tommy asked nervously.
“Yeah.” Lola answered. “It’ll be fine.”
She slowed the car until it stood still on the curb in front of the giant Maple tree she remembered. Lola breathed in deeply, unbuckled and got out of the car.
“Lola!” Tommy whispered. “Lola…oh come on…really?”
She ignored him, and shut the door quietly behind her.
Walking with confidence, she slid one shoe off at a time, then sat down at the base of the trunk. Tommy walked quickly towards her, his eyes darting back and forth, scouting the darkened street.
“Shhhh…” she said peacefully, and patted to the carpet of grass beside her.
He sat down hesitantly, and criss-crossed his legs.
“What are we doing?” he stared at his sister. Her eyes were closed…her head rested against the bark.
“I’m breathing, Tom.” she answered. “I’m breathing like it’s the first time.”
Thank you so much for sharing this with me! For more info about freewrites, visit
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If you would like to check out the story from the beginning you can find the first two chapters here!
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
To the amazing people that read this story! Thank you!
Much love,
Stacie D