The clinic of The Refuge was only a few kilometers away from my house, that cold November morning I was sure that I would put an end to that torment that was slowly consuming me. No one ever explained to me about sex nor did I receive any kind of advice in that area, everything I thought I knew was nothing more than simple assumptions that I never got to check.
Will was the man of my dreams, after high school we started dating formally although I never took him home. As expected, sexual desire ended up consummating a relationship that I thought was incredible, but I was quite out of touch with reality and I would realize over time that being in love does not mean that all obstacles will be overcome nor that love will be reciprocated. Love is a game of two, in my case I discovered that it was me and a few other girls who had fallen under the charms of that scoundrel.
My family did not know that I was dating a guy, in fact many believed that I was a lesbian because of my closeness to the feminist movement, I never cared and never flinched in the face of such accusations. Many people believed that women's liberation was an act of rebellion that did not matter one bit, but the girls of the movement were only fighting against an aggressive system that is always against women.
La cl铆nica de El Refugio quedaba solo a unos kil贸metros de mi casa, aquella ma帽ana fr铆a de Noviembre ten铆a claro que acabar铆a con aquel tormento que me consum铆a lentamente. Nadie nunca me explic贸 acerca del sexo ni recib铆 ning煤n tipo de asesor铆a en ese 谩mbito, todo lo que cre铆a saber no era m谩s que simples suposiciones que nunca llegue a comprobar.
Will era el hombre de mis sue帽os, luego de terminar la preparatoria comenzamos a salir formalmente aunque nunca lo llev茅 a casa. Como era de esperarse el deseo sexual t茅rmino por consumar una relaci贸n que a m铆 parecer era incre铆ble, pero yo estaba bastante desfasada de la realidad y me dar铆a cuenta con el paso del tiempo que estar enamorada no significa que todos los obst谩culos se van a vencer ni que el amor va a ser reciproco. El amor es un juego de 2, en mi caso descubr铆 que era yo y unas cuantas muchachas m谩s las que hab铆an ca铆do bajo los encantos de aquel canalla.
Mi familia no sab铆a que sal铆a con un chico, de hecho muchos cre铆an que era lesbiana por mis cercan铆as al movimiento feminista, nunca me importo ni inmute ante tales se帽alamientos. Muchas personas cre铆an que la liberaci贸n femenina era un acto de rebeld铆a que no importaba ni un 谩pice, pero las muchachas del movimiento solo luchaban contra un sistema agresor que siempre est谩 en contra de la mujer.
Now that I think about it, my life would have been a little different if my sexuality had really leaned towards lesbianism. But that was not my reality and I was paying for the consequences of my actions; a life was growing inside of me and I didn't even feel prepared. Not even my mom would support me if I decided to have one.
In a society where if you got pregnant you were looked down upon, if you had an abortion you were banished but if a man accompanied you they said that "at least the child would have a father" I didn't want to fit in. But my son didn't have a father either, Will's fervent love vanished as soon as he knew that the fruit of our passion was growing rapidly in my womb.
I never quite understood why he left without telling me, but after a while I was grateful he did. Will was the son of a lawyer who would never accept me into his family, much less accept a grandchild who would cut short the plans he had for his son, so I was left to live a hellish life at home where I would surely be treated like a whore or be reminded of the burden of bringing another member into the house and neither option was acceptable to me.
Ahora que lo pienso mi vida hubiera sido un poco diferente si en verdad mi sexualidad se hubiera inclinado al lesbianismo. Pero no era esa mi realidad y estaba pagando por las consecuencias de mis actos; una vida crec铆a dentro de m铆 y yo ni siquiera me sent铆a preparada 驴A qui茅n deb铆a acudir? Ni siquiera mi mam谩 me apoyar铆a si decidiera tenerlo.
En una sociedad en la cual si sal铆as embarazada te miraban mal, si abortabas te desterraban pero si por el contrario un hombre te acompa帽aba dec铆an que "al menos el ni帽o iba a tener un padre" yo no quer铆a encajar. Pero mi hijo no ten铆a un padre tampoco, el ferviente amor de Will se esfum贸 tan pronto supo que el fruto de nuestra pasi贸n crec铆a r谩pidamente en mi vientre.
Nunca termine de entender porque se march贸 sin decirme nada, pero despu茅s de un tiempo agradec铆 que asi fuera. Will era hijo de un abogado que jam谩s me hubiera aceptado en su familia, mucho menos hubiera aceptado a un nieto que le truncara los planes que ten铆a con su hijo, as铆 que a m铆 solo me quedaba vivir un infierno en mi casa donde seguramente me tratar铆an como puta o se encargar铆an de recordarme la carga tan grande que supon铆a traer a otro miembro a la casa y ninguna de las opciones eran aceptables para m铆.
So when I found out that the Refuge clinic provided safe and legal abortions I did not hesitate to make an appointment with all the fear and consequences that this would imply, I embarked on a journey of no return where unaccompanied by anyone I would have to say goodbye to that being who was not to blame for how foolish I had been and to whom I would not subject to any harm no matter how much pressure I felt in those days.
Nothing and no one prepares you to be a mother, that's why I always believed that being a mother was a trial and error procedure. When you go into those clinics they ask you if you are sure and give you psychological help, in my case it was wonderful to have a professional team to help me with my insecurities, the day I had the abortion I took a weight off my shoulders. That day I knew that I was the owner of my body and my destiny and that no one would tell me what to do anymore.
Por lo que cuando descubr铆 que en la cl铆nica del Refugio practicaban abortos seguros y legales no dude en agendar una cita con todo el miedo y las consecuencias que eso implicar铆a, me embarque en un viaje sin retorno donde sin compa帽铆a de nadie tendr铆a que decir adi贸s a aquel ser que no ten铆a culpa de lo tonta que hab铆a sido y al que no someter铆a a ning煤n da帽o por mucha presi贸n que sintiera en aquellos d铆as.
Nada ni nadie te prepara para ser madre es por eso que siempre cre铆 que serlo era un procedimiento ensayo y error. Cuando entras en esas cl铆nicas te preguntan si estas segura y te brindan ayuda psicol贸gica, en mi caso fue maravilloso contar con un equipo profesional que asistiera mis inseguridades, el d铆a que abort茅 me quit茅 un peso de encima. Ese d铆a supe que era la due帽a de mi cuerpo y de mi destino y que ya nadie me dir铆a que hacer nunca m谩s.
| Carpe D铆em | |
|---|---|
| Charlene | |
| Concurso de minicuentos en homenaje a Cort谩zar de Literatos Libertad |
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