A bit late on this post but I am still glad to have read it.

For the longest time, I did't want children for a number of reasons. They scared me, the life scared me, and I seen how the world can be and hard it is to raise children, how easy it is to fall and fail. I didn't want to take the chance to raise kids and not succeed, to give them a rough life like I had lived and those around me. A life like that is not for children.

Getting older I remember how frustrating it got when family members would ask me those very same questions. Hey, it's my life and you're not living it. If I had kids according to others expectations, how horrible a life it would be!

Later on, I knew I wasn't living the life that I wanted. I wanted better, healthier and drama free. I wanted to disconnect from what people thought was the real world - full of fakes, and lies and unnecessary problems. I wanted to connect with what was real, this earth, our true nature and our true needs and happiness. Through trying to achieve that, I met Danny. He had the same beliefs and wants. Through this life opened up to me and the visions of having a family was possible. It wasn't a dream that I had to be a mom, but more of a need for a love I never had. I can most definitely tell you that I planned on only having 1 child and I think my sanity would have preferred that. I had a second child, the talk of everyone telling my that its not ok to have just one child, that the 1rst one would need a sibling to have company and a better life got to me, and my husband wanting another had convinced me. But I wasn't honest with myself. My thoughts turned and I wasn't ready to have another, I spoke to Danny about this and told him we need to stop trying, as having another child under these thoughts were unhealthy. I didnt know I was already pregnant then. It caused me to go deeper into depression, I was already dealing with a postpartum depression without realizing it and not dealing with it, so this worsened it all. I felt so guilty. I spent sleepless nights apologizing to my son why he was sleeping. I felt like I was taking myself away from him. Going back to these thoughts are hard and is filling my eyes with tears, even after 6 yrs has passed. I went down a dark path and the events that followed are hard for a mother to think about as we always want what is best for our children. That connection a mother has to her baby wasn't completely fulfilled when I had Emma. That is a hard thing for me to accept to this very day....
2 years after, I was still trying to work on this depression, my relationship with Danny was getting very difficult. I became pregnant for Frankie. This drowned me. I was seeing a social worker and a psychiatrist, and had a constant thought for having an abortion. My life was upside down. I know that it takes two to make a child and I wasn't being responsible enough. An allergy to latex and a dishonest husband is what brought me to that situation, a struggle with birth control had a play in it, but there are still other ways it could have been avoided, I am still part to blame in that happening.

I couldn't come to terms with getting rid of the baby. Everything was extremely hard to deal with. Medication wasn't helping with the depression and so I turned to a dear friend that knew about natural medicines, homeopathic remedies and spiritual nature. That is what helped me get through it all.

Later on I had what you all know as a Frankie. Through everything that went on, there is a reason why I had her. It took me some time to find out why, she is a blessing. I have a connection with her that I do not have with my others. It may sound mean, but I am being honest. I have a connection with the two others as well, they are all different thus having different connections. Frankie helped me get through many and as she grows up, she is still that support and reminder. She doesn't know it but she is a spirit healer. When something is wrong, she comes to me and looks me in the eye, she has a gift of understanding and when she talks she speaks with old wisdom that instantly calms and lifts away the problems. And all she has to say is that everything will be ok, and that she loves me. Its in her eyes that captures it all. I can't explain it, its going through it that we see. Shes only 4 and she is full in her natural gift. I can't imagine later on!

Ive written a post a long time ago, how children are our medicines. They are also our teachers. I'll dig it up and update it with more knowledge to it.

It isn't always about our own children that give us wisdom and love, it is all the children in the world.

I share this story of mine because I think it is important to share as mothers, sisters, aunts, cousins.... as women, that our lives are all different, and no matter what our decisions are, where life takes us, we need to learn to support one another and their choices. There is a reason to our paths and it is one to be respected. Every single thing that happens in our lives is with reason. Our battles that we fight are not to be judged but are to be loved. A love and understanding for that person.

Even if you havent had a child, you and others, we are all mothers. I see what you do with your niece and I see the love that you have. Take pride and joy in that. Your life is beautiful and it makes your niece's life that much more joyful. Your impact is strong and you have a bond that is unbreakable.

Life is life, let it happen the way it needs. That is a knowledge a lot people could afford to learn. Be you, be strong, be loving and kind. You have already succeeded in all that is most important and natural. :) xx