The push begins in my brain when the ideas pop to, they percolate and bounce around gaining size, dimensions, and details. I find myself regularly forming the ideas and molding them mentally, preparing to put them into type, text, or shape.
This is where the break down seems to happen.
Building up to the act of being outwardly and physically creative, the energy is moving and the flow is open.
Then in a moment my narcoleptic creativity nods off. I could handle it if it was an opiate nod, at least I would come out of it and be right back on task. But this narcolepsy is far more detrimental as it is a sort of like a mute button. I know the ideas and creativity are still there but they are masked by an opaque window. I KNOW what is on the other side of the window as I can see shadows, but I can no longer see it clearly.
It would be one thing if the window was a slider, but this feels like a fixed window that requires me to go all the way around to the other side, the long way.
The part that frustrates me the most is my inability to perform the actions of being creative. The act of typing my ideas, of building the form I have in my head. It feels like I am more comfortable thinking about my creativity than I am actually being creative. Somewhere in me there is an open in the circuit. It is a partial open more accurately since occasionally the wire reconnects and the circuit flows again for a short time.
Maybe this is related to neurochemical imbalance? Hormones? Complacency?
I'm not sure yet what the reasons are, I am just able to see the problem, as I have for far too long.
And on top of all this my damned laptop keyboard is about dead. I have to MASH some keys to get the dumb thing to register...
Alright, enough whining. Time to sit and stare at the screen in a vain attempt at being creative.
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