It's funny because I don't have a great reputation. I'm not very well known. I'm forgettable.
And yet...
I care so much about it.
Let me tell you a little about myself. I'm introvert, an intellectual ( I can score in the top 99 percentile) and I'm fucking crazy. Or... that's what people in my circle would have you know. That word , 'crazy'. It has so much stigma. I can't escape it. I suppress it and when I go out I'm always super aware if anyone close to me is gleaning on connecting some word of mouth insinuation with me.
I know my medical records are tainted with 'words of concern', so even if I'm at a new office, it wouldn't be difficult to pull up a medical history of 8 years. I don't know what's the limit on certain records. (3, 5, 8, 10 years... ) I'm sure different fields have different limits based on legislation and country, state, etc etc...But it stigmatizes me. I act differently if I'm sure there's something of note to bastardize me with, I tend to act and give off an air or make certain comments to neutralize and quash the floating rumors. The air in the room always changes when something off kilter is floating about.
But I'm also crazy so it's a double edged sword. Other people are given the benefit of having good judgement on odd things happening against their favor, but for those with the other C word (crazy) they are always having to prove themselves- compensating - apologizing - fooling the masses into believing that it was all a mistake. And what would it take to clear me? I think just clean my records. What kind of medication would a doctor prescribe? I should hope an ethical one would not just choose something on the anti-psychotic spectrum when there are plenty of benign prescriptions to choose from, just because the patient is diagnosed with something atypical. Many of those anti-psychotics or psychoactive medications have incredible side effects and long term repercussions. It's awful what some medications do to a person.
And I also know some people are in need of assistance in piloting a flesh- ship with more neurons than stars in the known universe... and still, modern science in America criminalizes the mentally ill, incarcerating a good deal. The number of persons in prisons with mental illness varies from 15% to 56% based on what survey, and a good percent are locked away for no ACTUAL PROVEN crime, but because it is easier to incarcerate in the laws eyes.
I don't want to fly a flag or march for the issue of mental awareness. I have been locked away in a mental institution for being drunk and disorderly. The institution was less welcoming than a minimum security prison, complete with unannounced forced injections, sedations of persons having traumatic episodes, and hourly wake-up inspections so you never got a good nights sleep. The common area was off limits 14 hours a day and there was one hour of fresh air. I was administered a degrading dosage of an experimental medication that was not proper for my needs. If I actually had the illness the hospital labeled me with, the prescribed medication would have accelerated my symptoms by 20 years.
It was more than a human rights violation and I am traumatized from it, as I know so many other people have been by the health industry. I try every day to forget it, but I know how many people are locked away today because of our poor health system in America. I pray I never have to see another ambulance and I pray for all those people inside those clinical walls.
