There were guys walking around with there junk hanging out, women with no shirts on, and fairy dust everywhere. Literally, this was a crazy change from the small town country life I once knew.
Some of your companions have managed to lose themselves in thoughts and feelings you may never know that struggles that can't be explained and the amazing people out there that stand behind these same struggles.
Several years back I was on a road trip through Minneapolis and wanted to go to a well-known freerunning gym that I knew of "fight or flight". I attempted to be as badass as the people who keep this sport alive. I found myself being invited to a big event in Chicago with the group so I changed my route to go along with them and that's where I met imperfect perfection.
I woke up with the group all in a small apartment to a table full of pancakes and eggs and a guy that appeared out of nowhere. He had spunk. He got done running the American Ninja Warrior course in Orlando, FL, flew back in the middle of the night and then drove from Minneapolis to Chicago to meet up with us and still had enough energy to help make us breakfast.
After we ate, we made our way to the train and jumped on. As the car started moving he climbed on the rails and started hanging upside down from them. It's a rare moment to find someone as freely rebellious as him.
Daniel was his name, his real name. He climbed buildings, backflipped off of platforms, and saw the world as his playground. He also provided me with the most romantic kiss I will ever have.
I was so shocked when Daniel followed me over the chain linked fence and monkey barred his way to the middle of the bridge to hang upside down and kiss me. Everyone else kept going but he and I froze for a moment in time, fading away in playfulness.
He seemed to have it all together, he seemed to be happy as he maneuvered the city. But it wasn't until later that I realized there was a flaw in his code. When I met him, he had on a tight black fitted shirt and jeans. I could see manly muscles and his flawless skin. Stop here, I was slightly infatuated.
Later in the trip, I ended up curled up on the top of a bunk bed with him. I am such a closed off person this is a really rare occurrence for me but he was just that awesome. We talked about everything and it was this moment when he felt comfortable enough with me to tell me what was behind his eyes, it was no secret to those he was with every day but he kept it from me until the time was right.
"I'm supposed to be a woman," he said. I turned and looked at him and knew it took a lot for him to say. I told him about a friend in my early twenties that struggled with the same feelings and eventually jumped off a bridge after telling me goodbye. I was ten minutes too late. His look shifted "I knew with this look he had contemplated suicide before but I kept it to myself and asked, "so how long have you been suffering from depression?"
"Since I was 12." My heart sank and I curled up closer to him. To this day I remember these moments as if they were yesterday. I took him in the bathroom and pulled out my makeup. He appeared to be incredibly excited, he wanted me to teach him how to be pretty and he was going to teach me how to walk in heels.
I began my work and couldn't wait to see the look on his face when I transformed him into the person he always thought he was but when I finished he starred into the mirror confused. My heart started to rip realizing just how much he struggled deep within.
As a makeup artist in Japan, I had the privilege of working with all kinds of people but the transgender group was my favorite. A lot of them just came out of the closet as they say and had never known what it was truly like to look like what their brain told them they were supposed to be. For a moment in time, I got to be the person who brought that out for them and that came with an element of happiness that I can not explain.
But no, Daniel didn't have that look, that spark in his eyes as he became Rayne. After a few minutes I helped him whip his makeup off and we curled into a bed in one of the small bedrooms. I fell asleep in his arms and when I woke up the next morning he was awake playing with my hair. He whispered softly "Thank you for truly accepting me".
Several moons passed and we remained friends but with my travels, our conversations started slowing down fairly quickly but I never forgot the admiration I had for my fellow adrenaline junkie.
My last conversation with him was a brutally painful moment in time. His tone told me something was wrong as he spoke through gritted teeth. I picked up the phone just as happy as I ever was to speak with him. "Thank you for truly accepting me, sometimes I don't even think the people around me truly accept me for who I am. I have never met anyone like you."
"Why does it sound like you are saying goodbye to me?" I said refusing to believe the pain in his voice. "Why would I do that? I love you too much." I tried to speak but he cut me off by telling me his sister was calling.
Tears run down my eyes as I think of this moment. I knew it was the last time I would ever talk to him but I always hoped he would be okay.
You are never prepared to find out someone has passed away but it's almost not worth living after finding out someone you admired so deeply, pulled the trigger right after you hung up the phone. I tried calling back 5 minutes later but he had already taken his last breath.
All I want is to tell him how much I loved him and how often I thought of him and maybe... just maybe if he would have let me say it back he would have had a little more peace.
His friends may or may not know about me but what I do know is that in a short time he made such an impact on me that if my heart is still in pieces I know the people that were with him every day must be filled with grief for losing such an inspirational person.
I have been asked a few times why he did it. Imagine waking up every morning in a body you don't recognize. The night in the bathroom, I saw the split in his brain as he starred confused. Imagine a body that your brain tells you isn't yours and for every one person who truly didn't care that you are someone else inside, there are 20 more that didn't accept you. From the protesters to the production company of ANW telling you, you wouldn't be aired on the show because of your story. Imagine never truly knowing who you are because you were born someone your not. The exhaustion of everyday life that comes naturally to some of us is a massive struggle for you. Just putting on clothes in the morning becomes an exhaustion. Remember that feeling when your ex broke up with you? Think about having that feeling every day of your life and never getting over it.
In many ways, I am relieved that he is no longer suffering but in many ways, I have regretted every second of never telling him how much he impacted my life.
Moving here to Seattle has been enlightening to see how liberal people can be. Little things like signs on bathroom doors saying all genders welcome, or entire cities worth of people supporting the rainbow, so many times I have picked up my phone to send him a picture of all the support and each time my heart shatters into a million pieces when I realize he won't be there to receive it.
Please support others for their differences that's what makes us amazing! Billions of people out there all with different personalities and feelings making the world a fantastic place. What someone else feels or does is a small piece of everyone's puzzle and we have the ability to piece it together. Perhaps if we made others feel "normal" instead of letting our opinions break down someone else with our words or lack thereof everyone could breathe a little easier and someone else's struggle could subside.
I'll take Rayne (Daniel) to my grave for the rest of my life I give my heart to the people who were close to him. I'm sorry I couldn't help.
