I have never been the type of person to indulge depression, frustration, or loneliness.
Even though I have been a huge admirer of mental health and awareness things, I have always pushed myself all alone.
Because I had no options but to do so, but now everyday I feel like I have spend all the fuels a long ago and cannot even pretend anymore to be okay!
I am, for a woman a very strong lady since the time I have my memory preserved. One of the few things these days, that set my mind in flame is whenever anyone says to me "YOU ARE STRONG, YOU CAN DO IT"
I solemnly swear that if there are some benchmarks about myself that I absolutely detest, that is my resilience and my sense of accountability as a being.
As a matter of fact, in an attempt of making an effort to comprehend the origin, I asked my mother about my childhood temperament. She said that I used to be a quiet one even as a child, barely asking for any toys or something desirable and that, even if I had wished for one, never been stubborn enough to seek it twice!
And that does not make me feel proud of myself rather makes me feel even more frustrated.
Regardless, due to mostly the economic struggle vs. desire for more, things have invariably been a "consideration" of the weight of circumstantial analysis.
Always be the understanding one, evermore suppressing and deceiving myself, always escaping from myself to convenience my fellows.
You know even though nobody said to do so, taught me to be so, I hate that I become a person to be burdened by.
You may say-
Is it not astounding? You are a remarkable person. Your pals are fortuitous to have you in their lives.
But how many more?
What about ME?
For the things they are, I never could make a home, I could not speak out loud that I too am lonely, depressed, in bleak.
Even in the so-called stupid social media, I am always acting upon what is expected to be me.
Everyone either worships me for who I am or ends up leaning on me!
I cannot even say "I have had enough. Give a break!" Because I am scared of losing the feeling of being wanted and abandoned even though I am a floating cloud for momentary escaping things!
Even now, as I write it here, I have thought a thousand times already to erase it and just go back to sleep, to stay in the denial I have always been in while only typing these few words.
I do not know what I feel is embarrassment (that I am not the goddess people think I am) or fury (that I am not as strong as they wish me to be) or agony (that I am as loveless as it is).
I am pushing to the limit to accept and utter the words to announce a proclamation for me.
Seems like even my shadow is annoyed of me!
These days as I grow old and responsibilities only pile up furthermore, I feel so burdened and lost that unlike before I can hardly make myself divert my thoughts from it.
I have perhaps never desired anything more than death itself as a way to escape from this life.
I am utterly exhausted, exceedingly scared, devastatingly sad, and an absolute coward to choose between life and death.
Bleeding hell, I even never had the luxury to love a man in my life!
Uhhh...I wonder, is there no escape from this unending cycle of agony?
All the contents are mine until mentioned otherwise.