Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9Part 10 Birthday Intermission Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20Intermission No. 2 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29 Part 30 Intermission No. 3 Part 31 Part 32 Part 33 Part 34 Part 35 Part 36 Part 37 Part 38 Part 39 Part 40 Intermission No. 4 Part 41 Part 42 Part 43 Part 44 Part 45 Part 46 Part 47 Part 48 Part 49 Part 50 Intermission No. 4 Part 51 Part 52 Part 53 Part 54 Part 55 Part 56 Part 57 Part 58 Part 59 Part 60 Intermission No. 5 Part 61 Part 62 Part 63 Part 64 Part 65 Part 66 Part 67 Part 68 Part 69
When facing the true vastness of love, I could feel my desire to contain it. It was so big that I felt I had to reel it in and make it be what I imagined it to be. I was raised in this society where love is finite, not infinite, and my views on how it should be expressed were well defined.
I had never known anyone who could love like Quinn. I knew how his ability to focus on the present was one of his true gifts. Being the focus of his attention always permeated me to the core. From all I had witnessed about his interactions with others, they too could undeniably feel his loving presence. He didn’t get caught up in the ideas of others, not even mine when I tried to superimpose them all over him.
He continued to stand in love in every moment which inspired and amazed me, and at the same time showed me my own weaknesses which I didn't really want to acknowledge. I could feel myself as the love he showed me, and I could also feel how unavailable it was to me in my present state of delusional fear.
Quinn never promised me anything. We never talked about marriage, monogamy, or being beholden to each other as lifetime partners. It was always extremely clear that we didn’t own each other and that we were free to do and be whoever we wanted to be in every moment.
In the intensity of these moments unfolding, though I was distraught and wanting to blame, I instinctively knew that he hadn’t withdrawn his love, but was actually amplifying it to hold space for my evolution. It looked and felt different than the tangible relationship we had been experiencing for years, yet the soulful love of true connection was the anchor in the vast sea of turbulence that had a hold of me.
I sobbed until I could sob no more. My well of tears finally dried up as my dehydrated body simply gave into gravity, and words no longer existed in my vocabulary. I laid in silence with only my breath and Quinn’s loving presence filling the air.
I asked myself what good could come from my blame.
Where will it get me and how will things change because of it?
I asked myself what would my life be if I were to continue on this trajectory of blaming him.
I asked myself why I was in alignment with this.
I asked myself if this could possibly be me.
I asked myself who I was in relation to all of this.
I asked myself what would love do now.
It took me quite some time to process it all and let my nervous system settle back into rhythm. Not even sure I could think anymore, I had a lot to ponder in consideration that this may be the last trip we ever take together, or even the very last few days we would see each other for all time.
No matter what, I still had to be with me! Oh god!!!
Help me find myself through all of this pain,
come to terms with what is happening,
and bring my shattered heart some peace!
It's easy to see from a traditional relationship perspective that there was clearly someone at fault here--and it wasn't me! There will likely be varying opinions about the situations surrounding this part of the story. Which is okay. Each will have feelings about it based on their own experiences, how they were raised, their own relationships, biases, and what they perceive as right and wrong, good and bad. I know I had my ideas on how to perceive these encounters, who was the honorable one, who was the victim, who was the strong one and who was weak.
I knew this was not a traditional relationship, so I had to drop my ideas of what I thought was the case, and stand naked with my soul and literally force me to see myself.
Enter the @gardenofeden website too to see how we're doing our part to change the world.
