...And giving up isn’t an option.
It is easy to say things that nobody needs to hear. "Get your head back into game, move forward, make a change." Inspirational quotes without any useful information. We all get these from people, at the moment of need. Need for direction. I get it, purpose is almost saint, but the actual help? There is none.
”When it’s dark, look for the stars”
At the moment of despair, you often are suggested to seek glimpse of hope, really?! You really think I didn’t think that? Like I haven’t seek the way out? Thank you, you all mighty source of wisdom, now I’ll know where start from! I’m in place I don’t want to be, feeling suffocated every day. I try to scream but there is no voice left. I could just give up. It is something that people have suggested to me. Because no body should feel the way I’m feeling. But what if giving up isn’t an option? That would make me just hate myself more.
Look for the stars, they say. Yep, I see them. But is seeing the options making the night any less dark? I see them, it isn’t about that, reaching to them is the problem.
It is easy to say ”just do it” , but it is totally different thing to make that happen. Things take time, change takes courage. If it would be only about me, I’d be already gone, that is something I’m extremely skillful, leaving, going, making, escaping. I’ve packed my stuff so many times that I consider myself as a pro when it comes to moving. I’ve left so many times that I know the people that I can count on. There are not many of them, but those a few there are I’d trusted my life on.
If it’s not about the people, nor courage, what’s the problem?
Logic. My nearest and dearest friend and love of my life. I need to know how to explain to myself why I can leave again. I know that my family and friends are not stopping me. God damnit! They are cheering me to take my path. ”If you need to go, you need to go” That is something they understand. But I’m the one stopping me, my logic. Is it worth of risk, would it solve anything? There were times when leaving was simple. I had zero responsibilities. It is different now. I can’t make decisions just based on feelings. I need to rationalize them.
”Today is the beginning of what ever you want”
Taking the steps towards the dream is not hard for me. I’m not afraid of discomfort nor hard work. But how can you take steps towards anything when you have no idea what is that you dream of? Dream and decision are powerful combination, I’ve done it, several times in my life. I know that I’m able to do anything I put my mind into, but when there is no place my mind wants to be, I feel paralyzed.
Somebody could describe it like leaves floating along stream, for me it doesn’t feel like that. For me living without direction is like concrete shoes on my feet weighing me down towards bottom of the ocean, stopping me from reaching the surface, stopping me from reaching the precious air. It makes me panic. I see the surface, I know it is there, but every day it seems to be little further away, every day it makes me panic a little bit more.
”Set up a goal that makes you want to jump out of bed in the morning”
Well there is something worth fighting for. If I only knew how... Maybe this helps!