Sorry in advance for this long reply.

I think there is a deep fear of what one doesn't know. The world and the image one has of it can be deeply shaken. Everything that was taken for granted is suddenly no longer so. What you think you know can be shattered. The things that one was used to seeing as everyone else suddenly look different and one has discovered something that is so unlike, so unusual, so extraordinary, that it is difficult to share it with others or it is not understood.

A serious illness can trigger this, or a drug experience, or reading a book, or events in the world. For me, it's more like I think I've understood that deep joy is just a touch away from deep pain, the line is fine.

Spontaneity is not impulse of strong emotion, it is not bursting out with something, not stupid talk or act without thinking. For me, it is rather a subtle or insidious humour that lets you reach the right moment in a situation without having set out to do so.

But the readiness for this is trained throughout one's life, so that such spontaneous occurrences remain part of life. In a world where no one wants to die any more, where there is no desire to show one's face or make mistakes, where security takes precedence over spontane and dangerous acts, where the uncertain and unpredictable (chance, coincidence) is sacrificed for the predictable and the calculable, a lot of space has been created for fear.

How many taboos - I mean real taboos - have you ever broken and what taboo would you definitely have to break to be excluded from the community?

It's true, I want to grow, but it's scary besides freeing the mind. Looking into the abyss can set you free, but it can also lead to complete obsession and madness. That's why many people remain suspicious of this experience, they don't want to go through it, and that's why they know little outside the ordinary.

Therefore, discomfort lies very deep next to comfort. Truth, that is, telling someone absolutely and completely honestly what you think, is not something that happens every day. It is not easy to cope with, I would think. You can deeply disturb someone with it. Even a question that indicates a perceived truth can infuriate people so much.

In a way it's spectacular but not a spectacle in the sense of "looking at a scene as a specter" but more like having understood something and then laughing about it by yourself.

The thing is, once you understand that there is a contradictory nature to every thing, you never forget it. It is both a curse and a blessing and can drive you crazy because people expect you to have a firm belief and a point of view, a principle. But every principle can be overturned and so nothing is ever fixed. Whereas people work against it like there is no tomorrow. Those who are not aware of the fact that joy cannot be held fast will always try, but will not want to admit that it is like water that you pour into a cardboard box to transport it. In order to find joy, you lose it. And when you lost it, you find it. Where you find joy, for example in the face of death, of a person who went from life to death, you feel a form of serenity, you can celebrate the death of that person.

Does that make sense to you?