The phenomenon of waiting seems to be particularly strong when one hopes that one's own waiting and staying calm will lead to others taking the initiative. You don't want to attract attention or jeopardize your existence or reputation. A thoroughly realistic assessment. Although not necessarily the worst.

I'm not one to wait and see. I take the liberty of doubting, taking my own perception and the way I am willing to look at the world seriously. How else could it be? No one looks at the world the way I do. Nobody is completely equal to me in it. So I am my sovereign and must always consider myself as an agent who gives advice to myself. Still, I'm not doing this by myself. Through friction, through conversations, through me checking, I maneuver myself through my decisions. But the point always comes when something has to be dared.

A balancing act. One can express oneself incorrectly, be clumsy or have an effect, overstretch or understate. It is difficult to strike the tone of someone else and still remain true to yourself.

I do a lot of things at the moment. With moderate to no success. At least none that are obvious. It's like a research project that offers no evaluation. One does research and enters into dialogue with those who make decisions of which they cannot be fully aware in their effects. My task is to ask questions and to show that there can be no equal treatment for all. That makes you unpopular. And you experience what the worst thing is for a person: to be ignored. Not to receive an answer. These days it often happens to me that my requests go unanswered.

This is a strong test for the ego. It is outraged and desperately wants answers in order to get reassurance that it is right. It is one of the most difficult tasks one can face. Risking your reputation, possibly even jeopardizing your work. Putting your own child at risk through parental actions that could be detrimental to him or her. But it is not possible: you cannot do justice to all people equally. In the end, the authority always lies with yourself. The highest authority is your own, lonely and without any secure hold.

Everyone presents himself with the bill at the end: if he decides to remain conscious at the end of his days and yet die in peace.