Growing up was hard, everything I needed was provided for except for my parents presence. both parents were business oriented people while my dad travels a lot for project, I can't blame them they were trying their best to do the things they can to provide for my needs. at first it never felt like I missed there presence, I have always known how to survive alone. never knew where I picked up the skill from I just know I'm completely good at it.
my mom tried her best to be more available but she had a lot of business stuff to attend to. I could see in her eyes that she was struggling to ensure that her business activities does not affect her children's wellbeing. I guess I noticed, I have always been sensitive since childhood, it always felt like I could feel the pain of others. I was either a weakling or a weirdo but it never mattered even I was aware of how different I was from other kids.
I'm not quite sure how it started or the reason but I knew I started feeling the need to pretend in front of my parents that I was fine most especially in front of my mom so that she would never feel the need to stress herself more because of me. I needed the care but I'm the type with a big heart which kind of makes me feel the need to protect everyone else even if it means staying unprotected. The game of pretence I have gotten good at was going quite well till I started manifesting habit I never knew I was capable of.
As a kid, I was always the silent one in class. I shy away from making any contribution that will attract attention to me. to know how weird I was, I prefer to silently whisper the answers to questions asked by the class teacher to a guy that sat beside me named toyosi, he will stand up and present the answer to the teacher, he will be clapped for and I will silently jubilate on my seat without anyone knowing the answer came from me. that was how I slowly became introverted and less cheerful. No one could really understand what I was thinking, I could not afford to let anyone know of my vulnerability.
I would not say a word but yet the pain of being in need of care persisted. as if that wasn't bad enough I was bullied a little as a child because I was fragile but yet I remained silent, I would tend to my bruises and hide the scars from my parents. eventually I lashed out while being bullied by some kids, that was the few fights I could remember being involved in. my parents found out, made enquiries about the fight and discovered all the previous fight I had gotten into with bullies at school. they tried paying more attention to me after then but I never opened up to them.
I was sent to boarding school to join my elder brother, I guess they thought being with him might make me feel better. they were right I did feel better but the reason was different. One thing about boarding school is, it is one big hell house. you think bullies in my previous school were bad, try the bullies in boarding school. Gradually, everything started becoming too hard to bare but I still won't talk to anyone about it, the funny aspect of it was that I always had the biggest smile so no one noticed my pain.
In the midst of the chaos something unexpected happened, I find my way into writing poems. I never knew what it was called at first. I named the book "my thoughts in lines" the more poems I wrote the better I was at it. I had finally found a way to express my thoughts, though it was just an interaction with a non living object but it felt good. the more I write the less the burden of pain I felt and the happier I became. found a way to puts my thoughts in order which gives me the privilege of a clearer mind to think about other things that mattered.
I never knew I was beginning to change, I mean being more genuinely cheerful and all, it was my late grandmother that noticed. she discovered I spent more time with a specific book, she thought I was always reading at first but realised I was writing. she was so curious about what I was always busy writing, since it seems she really wanted to know, she was the first person I read my poems to. she barely understood what it meant but it made her smile.
I figured it was a lot easier to express myself by writing rather than spoken words, that is why sometimes I'm really bad at explaining myself because I don't usually find the right words to best describe my emotions. it has been years now but I still write poems though not as often as before, which is one of the reasons I joined hive blockchain in order to publish my poems and express my thoughts through writing and I'm glad it worked.
Cover image - 𝖣𝖾𝗌𝗂𝗀𝗇𝖾𝖽 𝗎𝗌𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖼𝖺𝗇𝗏𝖺
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