I've been having some dreams the past few months with my ex-husband turning up. We don't see each other any more, and don't communicate via text / phone / or email. He doesn't even have my current phone number. So why are my dreams featuring this person I've not seen in 5 years? The only answer I came up with is that I feel safe enough to think about that time of my life, and perhaps capable enough to deal with those feelings of abandonment, resentment, grief, fear and anger.
My life is pretty ok now. I have a job, and a place to live, and a partner that I can communicate with most days. Yet I am finding that I've got a long way to go before I uninstall some of the habits and coping mechanisms I picked up in the years I was married to someone with a substance abuse problem. When I was living by myself, I could tell myself I was just fine. When in relationship with another person, some of our weird stuff comes up. I don't know if this was something I heard while listening to a book by Eckert Tolle, or something in a book by Charlotte Kasl, but the gist of it is: a relationship can be an opportunity to see ourselves in a new light and shed those behaviors or thoughts that do not serve us or that do not further our well-being.
Last year I went with my partner to his family holiday gathering. This was some distance from our home, so we got a hotel and were there 3 nights, 4 days. I was holding myself so alert and tense, that I did not realize enjoy the time - I endured it. I spent so much time worrying about the behavior of my dog (who is very polite and considerate) that I didn't really talk to or connect with the people there. And it seems I was concerning my partner with my tension.
So this year, I'm going to try 3 things to try to enjoy the impending holiday season.
No one is expecting me to host. I'm a guest in someone else's house. This means I can drop my hyper-vigilant observation of everyone and everything and just breathe. Breathe deeply. Stay engaged with those around me, and cultivate an attitude of respectful curiosity. I'll pitch in when asked, but will not turn to my coping mechanism of aggressive helpfulness.
To be able to sit with my feelings and notice when I am feeling self-conscious or too worn out, it would help if I would follow through on that intention to meditate and work on that daily now. I keep telling myself I will start doing this for my general well-being, and it's become something I criticize myself about for not doing. This is not a wise approach either, as my self-criticism pushes me further away from doing it as I don't want to hear myself complain if I don't follow through. So I will do my best to sit down and shut up on a number of levels. :)
In "Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country," Spock tells Valeris that she needs to have faith that the universe will unfold as it should. She questions the logic of this, as it seems to go against all the teaching of their culture. Spock tells her, "Logic is the beginning of wisdom, Valeris, not the end."
I have that tendency myself - to try to think my way out of where I find myself. That could be a social situation where I feel like I did not get the same script everyone else is reading. Or a project at work that seems to have gotten stuck, no matter how many emails I send, phone calls I make, or ideas I have. Sometimes instead of thinking my way out of something, I need to feel my way out. Stop and recognize that I'm pushing too hard.
A support group I went to had a great phrase for this: Easy does it. Sometimes I'm pushing so much, I'm not letting the universe unfold as it will. I'm trying to unfold it like a map, when it's really a flower blossoming. It doesn't need my hands to function.
I can't let my past fear and resentments from holidays past creep into my present. I shouldn't expect things to be bad - they might be good, or at least not awful. This holiday season will be a chance for me to feel my feelings, and stay present for them, and allow myself to take it easy.
